I Love You, Spamfolder People

I Love You, Spamfolder People

A Roman à Spam

by Rottington Post

The following is based on the author’s actual spamfolder contents.  Names have been changed to protect the identity of the actual email bots.

spam1

 _______________________________

From:       Lily Valentina

Subject:   Why Aren’t You B@nging Me?

Bang your neighbor, it’s totally normal! I am not about love and marriage, I am fully about sxx!  Busty girl-next-door 5’7”curves luvs 2 please.   We can play different roles.  Click me.
See ya soon!

_______________________________

From:      Rottington P.

Subject:  Re:  Why Aren’t You B@nging Me?

Lily,
Thanks so much for the generous offer!
I’m so relieved to learn that it’s totally normal – and from an expert such as yourself.  I am already fantasizing about the normal things we will do together.  I’m all about sxx too.   Seems like we would have a lot in common.  By the way, I love your minimalist prose style.   It’s gritty!  It’s real!  It’s the vernacular of our post-modern world, yet beguilingly deep and  searching.   Who is your favorite philosopher?

_______________________________

From:      Jack Hampton

Subject:   Open vacancy

Our members are making around $2500 per day without effort… and their bank account is growing fabulously.

Not sure how many more members we can accept, but if you’re reading this email now you’ve already been approved!  Instant access here.

 _______________________________

From:      Rottington P.

Subject:  Re: Open vacancy

Gosh, Jack.  This looks really interesting!   I’ve been looking for someone to pay me a lot of money to do nothing, and…here you are!   What timing.   That’s great about your open vacancy.  That’s the very best kind of vacancy.   I could really use the money now too, as I’m just now starting an affair with a busty girl-next-door  5’7” curves.  We’re all about sxx.   It’s completely normal!

Anyway, thanks so much for accepting me as one of your members.  I’ve already started doing nothing for you.  So, you can go ahead and start forwarding the $2,500 per day.

 _______________________________

From:       Willie Graham

Subject:    Stay Hard 4ever With These Pills

She’s full with me AGAIN!   It is Still UP!  These pills are really good.  She gave me a great  #@^$^& and we finished in her bed….   Thrice!

My next pl@ymate will be the naughty chick I liked in school.   Oush!  You gonna love it!

 _______________________________

From:      Rottington P.

Subject:  Re:  Stay Hard 4ever With These Pills

Willie, this is incredible.  I can’t believe the timing.  I mean, everything is falling into place for me so perfectly!   It’s like a dream!  This is just what I could use right now.  Talk about coincidences!

My next pl@ymate will be a busty girl-next-door 5’7”curves.  And I’m about to get tons of money, so I can definitely afford your pills.

I do have a couple of questions.  First, I am not sure I really want to “stay hard 4ever.” That seems like a long time.  Do you have a version that just lasts for a year or two?

Also, this thing about, “we finished in her bed… Thrice…”   Do you mean you finished in her bed on three separate occasions?  Or you started three times, somewhere else, and each time, you guys made it over to her bed to finish?  Or what?  I’m not getting it.

 _______________________________

From:       Loretta Flower

Subject:   Urgent Sex Invitation

Take me to heaven, neighbor!   No need to put your pants on.  I like to think about it.  I’ve taken some pics 4 u.   Tired of waiting.  I don’t care who else you %^#(.  Just need you!

 _______________________________

From:       Rottington P.

Subject:   Re:  Urgent Sex Invitation

Loretta, this is beyond amazing.  Guess what?  I was just about to start %^#!ing another neighbor!  We’re all about sxx.  And…you don’t even mind who else I %^#!   Plus I have just ordered these pills and…wow!   I could finish in the bed of my other neighbor twice, and then I can come over and finish in your bed thrice!!  Or even fice!!  Oush!  And I don’t even need to put my pants on!   That’s really understanding of you, by the way.  And this really nice guy Jack is paying me $2,500 a day to do all this!  You spam folder people are the best!spam-feature

I have to say, Loretta, your letter really affected me.  I mean, I truly felt understood.  Finally!   Sadly, Mrs. Rotting Post, does not understand me at all.  She actually wants me to wear pants around the house.

Aren’t real people so annoying?  From now on, I just want to spend all my time with you spam folder people.

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24 COMMENTS

  1. I get 4 ,or 5 Russian beauties,whatever that is,trying to get my attention(delete).Since I’m Gay ,it is REALLY annoying.I want to tell all the straight women : Stop waisting my time and your clicks-AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN . KINSEY 6!!!.

  2. I’m envious, all I see is advertisements for Medicare plans and burial insurance. I do get some interesting solicitations on Skype though. Your responses remind me of the book “The Lazlo Letters” that Don Novello wrote in the 1990s.

    • burial insurance! there’s gotta be a humor piece in that. although i don’t think i would enjoy getting that particular bit of spam. just googled The Lazlo Letters. Looks like it was fun. although maybe dated now because it was topical to news events of the time?

  3. From my Spam folder in my business email account. Normally don’t open – but thought I’d see what I could add to the fodder here. Only opened one because I “just can’t even.” Here’s what I got – “Young playful girl is seeking a real mister to possess her body and soul! SMS me 1 4343080480 tonight, cowboy.”

    No words …
    PS – This party shall be not be held liable to any other party for any indirect or consequential loss (including but not limited to loss of goodwill, loss of business, loss of anticipated profits and any and all other loss) arising out of or in connection with dialing that number. I have no idea …

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