Trumplandia (formerly “The United States”) is already four full weeks old. In the words of the Grateful Dead, “What a long, strange trip it’s been.” Today we may proudly declare, the sun never sets on Trumplandia. There is something moronic happening every single hour of every day.
Kellyanne Conway had another week of greatnesses. First, she received an official censure for turning the Office of Counselor to the President into the Home Shopping Network. Then she got herself banned from yet a second TV show, in what has come to be known as the “Morning Joe” massacre. And next she tweeted her Valentine’s Day love for a White Supremacist admirer.
(If Barbie and Frankenstein had a love-child, it would be Kellyanne Conway.)
Yet just as Kellyanne’s star was falling, a new star was rising, as the world was introduced to advisor and Senior Douchebag Stephen Miller. He debuted on the Sunday talks shows, rigid and upright and vacant, shouted furiously that, “the president’s authority will not be questioned,” and generally showed all the charm and personality of a steam whistle. Miller, whose qualifications include a history of ethnic slurs going all the way back to Middle School, will serve as Racist in Chief to the President. Russia, if you’re listening, can you kick Stephen Miller in the nuts? Help us Make America Great Again.
Fun Fact: The Department of Defense announced it would be leasing space in Trump Tower. Which means your tax dollars will soon be going straight into the pockets of our Glorious Emperor!
Meanwhile, National Security Adviser Michael Flynn was fired after (a) secretly talking to Russia and (b) lying – two things the Trump administration absolutely cannot tolerate! The big question: Who will replace Flynn? Our opinion: Given all the recognition Frederick Douglass has been getting lately, we think Douglass is ready to step up.
We also learned this week that the Trump Campaign had not merely had contacts with people within Russia, but, funniest thing, haha, some of those people were members of Russian intelligence! Weird! Total coincidence, of course. It clearly has zero to do with Russia having dirt on Trump, or Russia hacking into the DNC to help Trump get elected, or Trump’s fetish for Putin’s ginormous missiles, or really absolutely anything. They just called Russian Intelligence because they were lonely and needed someone to talk to. That’s completely normal, right?
Speaking of the General Trump’s Baby Prawn ($13.99 at Panda Express), the White House launched a Glorious Investigation into all the leaking that’s happening in the government. Who’s doing the leaking? Someone has to be doing the leaking!
Say what you want about Hillary being careless with classified information, our New Leader is a Steel Trap. It was all on display at Mar-a-Lago this week, when Extremely Smart Person Donald Trump discussed how to respond to North Korea’s missile launch right in front of Patriots’ owner Bob Kraft. Hello? This is the New England Patriots we’re talking about! They were caught stealing the other team’s signals! They were caught videotaping another team’s practices!
Alas, another week of greatnesses was soon complete, and there was nothing left for President Tiny to do but hold a News Conference / Primal Scream session, berate his enemies, throw plates at the wall, and re-experience some sort of childhood trauma in front of us.
To be fair, he did reveal some pretty startling, top-secret information (please don’t share this with anyone you don’t completely trust): “I have been briefed!” the president declared. “And I can tell you…nuclear holocaust would be like no other!”
Okay, the CIA are clearly dumbing those daily briefings way, way, way down for the former Dean of Trump University.
Donald: So, nuclear holocaust would be bad?
CIA: Bad times, like, a million-billion, Mr. President!!!!
Donald: So..as holocausts go, this would be a bad one?
CIA: Let’s put it this way, Mr. President, nuclear holocaust would make the Bowling Green Massacre look like…like nothing had even happened!
Yet the most stirring moment in the Therapy Session came in response to a question about rising anti-Semitism. Our orator truly helped the country heal with his soaring rhetoric:
“I’m the least anti-Semitic person you have ever seen in your entire life!”
Umm…let’s think about this. If he’s the least anti-Semitic person ever, doesn’t that mean, yeah, of course, he’s still a little anti-Semitic, who isn’t, but like, everyone has some level of hating the Jews, he’s less Jew-hating than, like, anyone!
Yet there was still time left to berate the media again, and again proclaim his greatness.
“This administration is running like a finely-tuned machine,” he declared. Which is absolutely true. If the machine is a manure-spreader.
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