Breaking: Nuclear Holocaust Would Be Bad!

Trumplandia (formerly “The United States”) is already four full weeks old.  In the words of the Grateful Dead, “What a long, strange trip it’s been.”  Today we may proudly declare, the sun never sets on Trumplandia.  There is something moronic happening every single hour of every day.

Kellyanne Conway had another week of greatnesses.  First, she received an official censure for turning the Office of Counselor to the President into the Home Shopping Network.   Then she got herself banned from yet a second TV show, in what has come to be known as the “Morning Joe” massacre.  And next she tweeted her Valentine’s Day love for a White Supremacist admirer.

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(If Barbie and Frankenstein had a love-child, it would be Kellyanne Conway.)

 

Yet just as Kellyanne’s star was falling, a new star was rising, as the world was introduced to advisor and Senior Douchebag Stephen Miller.   He debuted on the Sunday talks shows, rigid and upright and vacant, shouted furiously that, “the president’s authority will not be questioned,” and generally showed all the charm and personality of a steam whistle.  Miller, whose qualifications include a history of ethnic slurs going all the way back to Middle School, will serve as Racist in Chief to the President.  Russia, if you’re listening, can you kick Stephen Miller in the nuts?  Help us Make America Great Again.

Fun Fact:  The Department of Defense announced it would be leasing space in Trump Tower.  Which means your tax dollars will soon be going straight into the pockets of our Glorious Emperor!

Meanwhile, National Security Adviser Michael Flynn was fired after (a) secretly talking to Russia and (b) lying – two things the Trump administration absolutely cannot tolerate!  The big question:  Who will replace Flynn?   Our opinion:  Given all the recognition Frederick Douglass has been getting lately, we think Douglass is ready to step up.

We also learned this week that the Trump Campaign had not merely had contacts with people within Russia, but, funniest thing, haha, some of those people were members of Russian intelligence!   Weird! Total coincidence, of course.  It clearly has zero to do with Russia having dirt on Trump, or Russia hacking into the DNC to help Trump get elected, or Trump’s fetish for Putin’s ginormous missiles, or really absolutely anything.   They just called Russian Intelligence because they were lonely and needed someone to talk to.  That’s completely normal, right?

Speaking of the General Trump’s Baby Prawn ($13.99 at Panda Express), the White House launched a Glorious Investigation into all the leaking that’s happening in the government.  Who’s doing the leaking?  Someone has to be doing the leaking!

Say what you want about Hillary being careless with classified information, our New Leader is a Steel Trap.  It was all on display at Mar-a-Lago this week, when Extremely Smart Person Donald Trump discussed how to respond to North Korea’s missile launch right in front of Patriots’ owner Bob Kraft.  Hello?  This is the New England Patriots we’re talking about!  They were caught stealing the other team’s signals!  They were caught videotaping another team’s practices!

Alas, another week of greatnesses was soon complete, and there was nothing left for President Tiny to do but hold a News Conference / Primal Scream session, berate his enemies, throw plates at the wall, and re-experience some sort of childhood trauma in front of us.

To be fair, he did reveal some pretty startling, top-secret information (please don’t share this with anyone you don’t completely trust):  “I have been briefed!” the president declared.  “And I can tell you…nuclear holocaust would be like no other!”

Okay, the CIA are clearly dumbing those daily briefings way, way, way down for the former Dean of Trump University.

Donald:  So, nuclear holocaust would be bad?

CIA:         Bad times, like, a million-billion, Mr. President!!!!

Donald:   So..as holocausts go, this would be a bad one?

CIA:         Let’s put it this way, Mr. President, nuclear holocaust would make the Bowling Green Massacre look like…like nothing had even happened!

Yet the most stirring moment in the Therapy Session came in response to a question about rising anti-Semitism.  Our orator truly helped the country heal with his soaring rhetoric:

“I’m the least anti-Semitic person you have ever seen in your entire life!”

Umm…let’s think about this.  If he’s the least anti-Semitic person ever, doesn’t that mean, yeah, of course, he’s still a little anti-Semitic, who isn’t, but like, everyone has some level of hating the Jews, he’s less Jew-hating than, like, anyone!

So beautiful.

Yet there was still time left to berate the media again, and again proclaim his greatness.

“This administration is running like a finely-tuned machine,” he declared.  Which is absolutely true. If the machine is a manure-spreader.

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19 COMMENTS

  1. De Tocqueville leveled some of his sharpest criticism against American political leaders themselves. He became convinced that outstanding men avoided elected office in order to pursue their private ambitions and careers. Those who did seek public office, he believed, were often poorly educated and open to corruption.

    In one of his notebooks, de Tocqueville ridiculed Congressman Davy Crockett as a man “…who had received no education, could read only with difficulty, had no property, no fixed dwelling, but spent his time hunting, selling his game for a living, and 1pending his whole life in the woods.” But de Tocqueville saved his sharpest barbs for President Jackson whom he described in his book as a “man of violent character and middling capacities.” In his view, Jackson possessed few qualities for political leadership.
    http://www.crf-usa.org/election-central/de-tocqueville-america.html

    • i’ve heard people compare trump to jackson. i don’t know enough about jackson to judge. in a way it is interesting the range of people who have been in the white house. certainly not all were poorly educated and open to corruption. but populism and demagoguery have always had their appeal. the idea of power clearly appeals to people with grandiose views of themselves. yet trump seems incredibly extreme and unique even among those who have fit into the category of grandiose or populist. again…not that i am an expert on all of our 19th century presidents.

  2. you nailed that last line.

    On Sun, Feb 19, 2017 at 11:27 AM, The Rotting Post wrote:

    > rottingpost posted: ” Trumplandia (formerly “The United States”) is > already four full weeks old. In the words of the Grateful Dead, “What a > long, strange trip it’s been.” Today we may proudly declare, the sun never > sets on Trumplandia. There is something moronic happening ” >

  3. Yes, so much of the episodic “Trumplandia” has been on mark in terms of sarcastic humor, and I tend to resonate with most of it (although I’m personally not aligned politically), but I’d like to see you write about something else soon.

    • brian, i’m afraid i might disappoint you on that front. I think this medium is working for me right now. don’t want to lose a reader, naturally, but…i have to go with what’s on my mind. thanks for the comment though.

      • Thanks for the reply. I understand when things “work” in your milieu/genre.

        Note I didn’t say you were going to lose a reader, but I’ll probably ignore some until this dies down. 🙂 It’s not you or your particular stuff. It’s the overall monotony.

  4. Perhaps investing in Depends undergarments and passing them to all the Trump staffers might help with the leaking. And I always thought KC was the love child of Ann Coulter and Frankenstein, but who am I to argue? 😉 Thanks for keeping this going. We truly need voices like yours nowadays.

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