Have you noticed how everyone is revealing their beauty secrets these days?
TV Actress Ashley Madekwe reveals in Allure that, “I love the laid-back style of Alexa Chung,” whereas Alexa Chung herself (whoever she is) opines on Byrdie.com, “Brow shape is so important for framing your face.” Meanwhile, Selma Hayek informs us in Glamour that, “You can put guacamole in your hair.” (Is that one really a secret though? Isn’t that what everyone does with their leftover guacamole?)
Even the venerable New York Times has jumped in with this important scoop:
Molly Ringwald Shares Her Beauty Routine, and Likes Her Freckles
Wow! That’s huge news. Sure, Russia hacked our election and our president-elect wants to restart the nuclear arms race, but did you know that Molly Ringwald likes her freckles?
The article itself is full of momentous information. The actress not only tells us that she wears an eye-shadow called Naked, by Urban Decay, but also offers, rather ominiously, “There are things that come in vials and packets.” Sounds pretty dark. Maybe she should let Snowden know about this.
Is the NSA keeping beauty secrets from us? Who even knows! Which is why we at the Rotting Post agreed to interview ourselves: To take a stand against beauty secrecy!
We sat down with ourself at a trendy café on Newbury Street, ordered a glass of Chablis, took out our notepad, and began. This is our incredible, tell-all story:
The Rotting Post Reveals Its Beauty Secrets, and Likes Its Ass
RP: Thanks for agreeing to this. I know you have a busy schedule.
RP: It’s my pleasure. It’s the least I can do for my fans.
RP: Do You Have a Regular Beauty Regimen?
RP: I used to take up the whole day making myself beautiful. Now, I’m like, hey, I mean, like, I’m like, geez, whatever. Right?
RP: I’m not following
RP: I was just practicing my blither. Sorry. I’m ready now.
RP: Your hair always looks great. What do you do for it?
RP: Thanks. I use End of Days Shampoo by Doom. I love the way it makes my hair fly out in slow-motion when I turn my head while I have this huge smile. I do that a lot. I try to roll my eyes at the same time, which gives it this kind of sexy, dreamy look.
RP: Tell us about your routine. Take us through a day.
RP: I shower with water. Water is very important. It should be two hydrogens for every oxygen. That makes a difference. Also, I’m a strong believer in clothes. I love mixing and matching. I’ll put pants on my legs so to go with it, I might wear a shirt on top. I’m very creative like that.
RP: I suppose that’s what makes your look so iconic.
RP: I love that word. ‘Iconic’.
RP: Me too. I really wanted to fit it in.
RP: Well done.
RP: So you like to feel good about your looks. What’s your best feature?
RP: I really love my rear-end especially. I just wish it were easier for me to see. I’ll set up a mirror in front and behind so I can see it, and then I’ll just, like, you know, stare for like…hours. Is that superficial?
Talk about your ears. I understand that you’ve come to terms with them.
RP: I used to feel really self-conscious about my ears. I’d be at a party and I’d start thinking, “Is everyone staring at my ears? For a while I considered an ear reduction. But I also believe in natural. So now I just soak them in my own, home-made Ear Tightening Cleanse for three hours a day. It gives me the ear-confidence I need. Now when I see people staring I know what they’re thinking: nice ears!
RP: Do you have a signature scent?
RP: People tell me I do. They say it’s kind of a mixture of Havarti cheese with just a hint of wood-chip mulch.
RP: I meant do you wear a scent. Like…a cologne.
RP: Oh. Why didn’t you say that? You said, ‘Do I have a scent.’
RP: I thought it was obvious.
RP: Maybe to you. I’m not a mind-reader.
RP: What’s your one most important beauty product?
RP: My Groom Mate Platiumn XL Nose hair Trimmer literally saved my life. I had this big gala to go to and discovered I had a nose hair showing. I was actually preparing to commit suicide when I suddenly remembered my nose hair trimmer. This story almost had a very different ending!
Alas, it was time to thank myself and pay the bill. I swung my head around so my shimmery hair flew out, then swung it back to really show off my hair’s body. I picked up my notepad, knowing I had gotten the scoop I needed – the beauty secrets of The Rotting Post.
And for some gratuitous product placement of my own:
Please feel free to check out my new novel, “The Feet Say Run” here.