We at The Post hear the same concerns over and over from today’s parents: “I want to threaten my child, but how do I know what threat is best?”
First, let’s test your child-threatening skill-level with the following test:
(A) Your child is glued to the TV. In a shrill tone, you should threaten to:
- Throw the vacuum cleaner out the window
- Throw your bookcase out the door
- Throw the television out the window
- throw a plate of spaghetti against the wall
- All of the above
(B) On a long car ride, your child will not stop screaming because you did not buy him a Batmobile Sundae at the rest area. You should threaten to:
- Let your child out of the car “RIGHT HERE!”
- Let your child out of the car “OVER THERE!”
- Drive the car over a culvert
- Let your child out of the car, “AT THE NEAREST SAFE LOCATION!”
- Refuse to contribute to your child’s future retirement fund
If you chose any of the above answers, it could be a sign that you are a poor threatener. Our “12 Easy Steps to Effective Threatening” program might be just what you need. (Payable in 7 easy installments of $399 each, from Rotting Post University).
As a child, the idea that my parents would Throw the Television Out The Window seemed perfectly plausible. I imagined the shards of broken glass all over the patio, the rain and snow pouring inside through the gaping hole in the window-frame, the TV in ruins outside. Guests would come over, ask what had happened, and my parents would calmly explain, perfectly naturally, “We threw the TV out the window.” In time though, this threat lost its credibility. Which is why it is critical that your threats be Appropriate for the Age of the Child.
With these many complexities in mind, we have assembled the first age-appropriate Chart of Threats to help today’s parents and childcare givers.