HOW TO THREATEN YOUR CHILD: A Complete Parent’s Guide

We at The Post hear the same concerns over and over from today’s parents:   “I want to threaten my child, but how do I know what threat is best?”

First, let’s test your child-threatening skill-level with the following test:

(A) Your child is glued to the TV.  In a shrill tone, you should threaten to:

  1. Throw the vacuum cleaner out the window
  2. Throw your bookcase out the door
  3. Throw the television out the window
  4. throw a plate of spaghetti against the wall
  5. All of the above

(B)  On a long car ride, your child will not stop screaming because you did not buy him a Batmobile Sundae at the rest area.   You should threaten to:

  1. Let your child out of the car “RIGHT HERE!”
  2. Let your child out of the car “OVER THERE!”
  3. Drive the car over a culvert
  4. Let your child out of the car, “AT THE NEAREST SAFE LOCATION!”
  5. Refuse to contribute to your child’s future retirement fund

If you chose any of the above answers,   it could be a sign that you are a poor threatener. Our “12 Easy Steps to Effective Threatening” program might be just what you need.  (Payable in 7 easy installments of $399 each, from Rotting Post University).

As a child, the idea that my parents would Throw the Television Out The Window seemed perfectly plausible.   I imagined the shards of broken glass all over the patio, the rain and snow pouring inside through the gaping hole in the window-frame, the TV in ruins outside.  Guests would come over, ask what had happened, and my parents would calmly explain, perfectly naturally, “We threw the TV out the window.”  In time though, this threat lost its credibility.   Which is why it is critical that your threats be Appropriate for the Age of the Child.

With these many complexities in mind, we have assembled the first age-appropriate Chart of Threats to help today’s parents and childcare givers.







  1. Funny funny😀😀 Loved this. It reeled me right back to Grade 1 when Mrs Holmes proceeded to give me and my class a ticking off for naughtiness, telling us firmly, ‘You all need to pull your socks up.’ With fear of dire consequences we followed orders, baffled why Mrs Holmes should then march out of the classroom and not return for minutes. Now I have a vision of her somewhere outside belly-laughing. Thanks for a great post.

  2. Riding in a car with another adult and a 5 year old having a tantrum… I said, OK Sean, settle down or we won’t talk to you… After a few minutes he was weeping; “come on guys, come on guys, talk to me” That worked at age 5; ten years later it would have been like threatening to throw Brer Rabbit in the briar patch.

    • this is the gentle sort of approach we opted for. the threat to leave the kid by the road i always found kind of creepy, given that children often have a fear of getting lost or being abandoned.

  3. I feel very inspired to go and spawn after reading this……….or kill myself. Wouldn’t be much of a difference. 🙂 Another great post, and thanks for doing your part to control the world’s population!

  4. I love the chart – reminds me a bit of a chart I was requested to put together recently to request funding for some strategic investments. Not only does this eerily resemble the Excel look and feel but the columns and time horizon cover the same time displacements…AND like your suggestions herein they are just idle threats. 🙂 I think you know what I am talking about.

  5. Great post BUT let me play the race card and introduce a few gems from the dark side of the table: 1) heard throughout black america for decades BUT brought to the general population via Dr. Huxtable on the 1st Cosby episode: “I brought you into this world and I’ll take you out of it”, 2) peer pressure is contagious, unless you’re a young black child who has just witnessed their caucasian counterpart throw a tantrum in public, to which their mother would say: “Go On (its actually pronounced as one word) act stupid if you want” the unspoken threat enough to break any terror suspect and my personal favorite 3) As god is my witness (dramatic pause) I WILL beat the black off yo ass!!”

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