Just when we all seemed to be healing, just when it seemed safe to read the paper again, the New York Times has published one of the most disturbing articles in recent memory.
I am referring of course to, “The Emails of Natalie Portman and Jonathan Safran Foer” published on July 14.
Hugely Important Novelist Jonathan Safran Foer is the author of this atrocity. One can only imagine how he came up with the idea: “Wouldn’t it be great if I could pitch my new novel and show off that I’m pals with Natalie Portman at the same time? And wouldn’t a ‘spontaneous’ email exchange between a Hugely Important Novelist such as myself, just to pick a random choice, and a World-Famous Actress such as Natalie Portman, be fascinating to our inferiors?”
Let’s see how it turned out, shall we?
Jonathan gets the hot email action going with some torrid product placement. This is sent at 4:31 AM:
You’re now on the brink of…the release of your directorial debut, “A Tale of Love and Darkness.”
There is so much that I love about the film — how simultaneously precise and impressionistic it is, how visually and verbally beautiful — but more than anything, I was moved by how much you seemed to care about it.
Natalie, at 3:36 AM, two nights later, gives back with some pretty steamy product placement of her own:
…It has made me understand that so many conflicting things can be true at the same time, like how you write in, “Here I Am” — another first; your first novel in a decade.
Next comes a lot of pretentious blither that should require a trigger warning for those with a sensitive gag reflex.
A few emails later, things take a calendrical turn. Jonathan:
It’s Thursday, garbage day. One of the garbage days, I should say. Thursday and Sunday are garbage days. Tuesday is garbage and recycling day. Monday and Tuesday are alternate-side parking days, which makes Tuesday — parking, garbage and recycling — a very special day, indeed…
[Gosh this is riveting. Isn’t it fascinating when a creative genius shares his deepest, innermost thoughts like this?]
This leads to the sort of chatty, fun question pals often ask each other in late night emails:
What have you tried to ritualize in your work and home life?
Every job takes me to a new place with a new schedule, and it requires a reinvention of ritual each time.
[Holy crap. You both need to shut the fuck up NOW.]
They do not shut the fuck up. Not for a long, long time. Natalie, after a good deal more drivel, observes:
Etymology might seem dry, but the connections between words feel to me like the connectedness I felt while giving birth…
[Connectedness was definitely not what Mrs. Rotting Post felt while giving birth]
How has that influenced your sense of the passage of time?
[No!!!!! Horrible question. You know you’re just asking her to babble some more. Why not just ask, “Do you have any more horseshit you’d like to share?”]
On and on it goes. Jonathan asks, “How do you think about freedom?” Natalie finally orgasms hard with, “It is our engagement in the process, our helping the creation of the piece, that makes us feel the story.”
Perhaps most bizarre of all, this article is illustrated with a series of photographs of Portman modelling bikinis. Or rather, bikinis and $1,000 sweaters. (Because, ya know, what goes better with a bikini than a $1,000 wool sweater?) Sadly, there are no photographs of Jonathan Safran Foer in jock strap and parka.
Well, as Jonathan Safran Foer and Natalie Portman have opened up their hot and heavy late-night correspondence to the world, we at The Rotting Post have decided it is finally time to share:
The Emails Of The Rotting Post and Scarlett Johansson
2:37 AM, July 9 Scarlett Johansson says:
Your poetry reminds me most of all of late TS Eliot or Neruda – yet deeper somehow. I wish there was a way I could tell the world how brilliant you are. Unfortunately, there is only this private email between us that nobody else will ever see. I so enjoyed reading your most recent work at your blog “The Rotting Post”, a haunting satire, which I am hyperlinking here completely spontaneously for no apparent reason.
PS: Guess what I am wearing? Nothing but a little bikini and a ski mask (100% angora wool, $530 at Hermes)
3:21 AM July 9 Rotting Post says:
Surely I do not belong in the same sentence, such as this one, with T.S. Eliot, who wrote “The Wasteland,” one of the great masterpieces of the modern era, and Pablo Neruda, the Chilean poet born on July 12, 1904, who Marquez once called, “the greatest poet of the twentieth century”.
I am so excited to see your new movie which is opening on August 3rd at over 3000 theaters around the country and is full of action, humor and drama, and that I recommend all readers to go see – not that anybody besides us will read this.
By the way, I do not wish to make you overly sexually aroused with this late night email, but I wear nothing but socks and earmuffs (lambskin with silk lining, $1,249 at Prada)
3:42 AM July 9 Scarlett Johansson says:
My Darling Angel Rottington,
It is so pleasurable to be speaking completely normally and naturally to one another like this. Yet it is hard thinkng that your extraordinary new novel, a tour-de-force about the tragedy of alienation in the modern world, will not be released until December. I am glad that pre-orders on Amazon will be available sooner. By the way, I am now wearing a different bikini and an elegant new ski mask (Welsh Cashmere, $1,200 at Missoni)
4:18 AM July 9 Rotting Post says:
Yes, I do like emailing you casually and unselfconsciously like this, knowing that these are just our natural thoughts that we type as they come to us completely naturally and spontaneously. I am so pleased you have stopped making movies for that ancient director Woody Whats-His-Name. Finally you, the great actress Scarlett Johansson with your voluptuous lips and breasts, will be able to show your true talent in your forthcoming release coming out on August 3.
Today is Wednesday, the day for changing kitty litter – a ritual purification that connects me with nature. How do you think about kitty litter? What do you do to experience interconnectedfulness?
You may be pleased to know I have changed, and wear nothing but a bathing cap and Tummy Tuck Belt (Steel-reinforced Elastic, $833 at Hammacher Schlemmer).
4:39 AM July 9 Scarlett Johansson says:
Oh, that sounds so sexy!
Oh Rottington babykins, I am yours, can think of nothing but you and your writing at rottingpost.com, and marvel at your brilliance as a lover. I do keep worrying about poor Mrs. Post though.
4:57 AM July 9 Rotting Post says:
I know this is hard on you, the famous actress Scarlett Johansson, clad in Cap D’Antibes Scallop Bikini ($478 from Moeva). But you must be patient.
Only please don’t give Mrs. Post a moment’s thought. I certainly don’t. Remember, she will never, ever see this.