In This Issue: The New, Improved Trump Administration! Now With More Nukes!
Big news here at the @failing Trumplandia Review: We are now officially an Enemy of the People. And we are here to share it with You the People. Our enemies!
Let’s jump right in.
One thing about nonexistent terror attacks: They can happen anywhere, any time! This week, tragically, it was Sweden’s turn. And we, who recall our own non-existent tragedy at Bowling Green so vividly, send out our special words of support: We are with you Sweden, today, in your time of need!
In the interest of fairness, We are not going to take cheap shots about Sean Spicer mentioning the nonexistent terror attack in Atlanta. As he explained later, it was obvious that he meant Orlando. And come on, doesn’t everyone say, “Atlanta” when then they mean Orlando? Why else do you think so many tourists wind up in Atlanta? Do you think they really mean to go there?
One thing you absolutely cannot fault this president for is a lack of hypocrisy. After endlessly berating Obama for playing golf, he has now played six rounds in his first thirty days!
Our hero did take time off from his busy golf schedule to tour the Black History Museum in Washington, where he stood before the painful relics of slavery and offered these consoling words: “I like the state of South Carolina. I like all those states where I won by double, double, double digits.” Umm…note to President Tiny: The Black History Museum is not meant as a celebration of the former slave-holding states. Plus, is he five? Could you imagine this guy ordering an ice cream? “I’d like a double, double, double-dee-doo chocolate cone. Doubly double.”
Soon it was time for more golf. (And he absolutely, definitely would have won by a historic margin, except for the fact the crooked Ernie Els cheated).
On Thursday, the president declared that “a military action” was underway at the border, while Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly declared, on the very same day, ““There will be no use of military forces in immigration.” Who’s right? They both are! Alternative facts, people! Get with the new era! As always, “Squeaky” Spicer was there to explain it to us tiresome, thickheaded media people: When the president spoke of a “military operation” he was, according to Spicer, “using that as an adjective”. Aha! An adjective! How can “military operation” be an adjective, you wonder? Well, that’s because you’re a stupid, extremely dishonest idiot. Consider this usage:
Question: What’s your favorite color?
Answer: Military operation.
See how it works?
But the most important news of all broke on Friday, when we learned that Trumplandia needs way more nuclear weapons. We have only 6,800 nuclear warheads! Terrible. We can only destroy two, maybe three earth-sized planets. You’re probably thinking, “Gosh, how many nukes do we need in order to be ‘Great’ again?” To answer that question, we’ve developed this helpful chart:
Not to get all literary or anything, but it really reminds one of that classic children’s tale, “The Emperor Has No Penis”.
We are sad to report that Kellyanne Conway, a.k.a. Frankenbarbie, has been given a time-out by the Trump Administration because her fabrications repeatedly conflicted with the president’s fabrications. Yet it was nice to see Steve Bannon emerge from the Bat Cave, declare the administration’s mission of, “the deconstruction of the administrative state,” drink a pint of Mainstream Media blood, and vanish again into the alternative night-sky.
And before we knew it, another amazing week of greatnesses had culminated in another glorious press conference. In fact, Friday’s briefing was the very first press conference in history in which the press wasn’t invited! Well, to be fair, Bannon’s former organization, Brietbart, was invited – much to the relief of the all-important race-baiting demographic. It was just the New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, CNN and others who were turned away. Nothing unusual at all here. This is totally normal – the Regime holding a Fake Press Conference to deliver its Fake Facts to Fake News organizations.
Another week in Trumplandia.
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