Do you have a penis? If so, you’ve probably done some pretty stupid stuff in your life. Especially when it comes to dating. Not only are many men failing miserably with the opposite sex*, but they’re giving males a really bad name (such as “Herman”).
That’s why we at The Rotting Post have developed this Indispensable Guide. Whether you’re a doofus, a dweeb, a douchebag or just a dork – this guide is for you!
STEP 1: USING WORDS TO SAY THINGS
I was recently sent a Facebook Friend Request by yet another scantily-clad love-doll. Of course, being a guy, I clicked on the stupid, clickbait profile (although in my defense, I did it for the articles!).
So there I was looking at this predictably provocative picture. I scrolled down at the comments by guys registering their approval. And what I saw left me pretty concerned. It’s no wonder we’re getting a bad reputation.
The first comment was, “Sweat!”
I could be wrong here. But if you want to compliment a woman’s appearance, I’m thinking, “Sweet!” would be a better choice of words than, “Sweat!”.
The second comment read as follows: “An angle from heaven!”
Guys: I’m not sure calling a woman, “an angle” is the most successful pick-up line. Unless she’s like, a geometrician or something.
Next came the following exchange:
HERMAN: (not his real name) I like what I see!
GIRL-AVATAR: Not very original. Try again.
HERMAN: I like what I see!
Okay maybe it’s just me, but when she typed, “Try again,” I’m thinking she did not mean, “retype the same words and maybe they’ll work better this time.”
Of course, there are many varieties of bad pick-up lines. Consider this one for example: “Hey baby, you want a real stud tonight? Because I’ve already got STD and all I need is U!”
Can you spot the problem with this approach?
STEP 2: THE FIRST DATE
You have now gathered your courage, asked a girl out, and by some incredible miracle, she has accepted. Great job, person-with-a-penis! But beware: You can still mess things up pretty badly. Because now you need to go on that date, say things, and pretend to listen when she says things. And you must avoid costly mistakes such as picking food from your teeth with a used golf tee. It’s a lot to think about all at once!
The following questions are designed to TEST YOUR SKILLS: (*answers elsewhere on page)
Section 1: Conversing with your date: Choose the words that best complete the below sentences:
(1) You have the most soulful _______.
(2) I had a really ____ time. I’d really like to see you ______.
- wonderful / again.
- disturbing / in hell.
- great / naked.
- nondescript / Tuesdays
So do you want to come over to my ______ for a ________
- place / drink
- church / communion wafer
- mother’s / sing-a-long
Section 2: Who got laid?
The following are descriptions from actual first dates. Which of these persons-with-a-penis got to use it? Can you figure it out?
Date 1: “He gave me this pin that said, ‘Bootylicious’. Then he pinned it on my blouse.”
Date 2: “He was sooo sweet. And he seemed surprisingly interested in my macrame owl collection.”
Date 3: “He’s writing an opera about raccoons. I really learned a lot about raccoons.”
Date 4: “He told me he was his generation’s Jack Kerouac and made me read the first page of his novel. It sucked.”
Actually…hang on a second. I did that once! Julie? Is that you? How’s everything going? I rewrote that first page by the way. Do you want to see the new draft?
*Answers are not down here. They might be in the upper right somewhere.