The Worst Love Song in Rock and Roll History – A Special Rotting Post Competition

It’s been a full year since we ran our competition for the Worst Rhyme in all of Rock and Roll history.  Amazingly, we somehow neglected Snap!’s ‘90s hit, “Rhythm is a Dancer”, which includes this extraordinary couplet:

I’m serious as cancer
When I say rhythm is a dancer

We deeply regret the error.  This is definitely incredibly horrible.  We apologize especially to Snap! for the oversight.

Next we turn to this year’s competition.

For months we’d been telling ourselves, “You know, that Worst Rhyme competition was really popular.  Can’t you come up with another arbitrary category that you can use to make fun of some more horrible songs?”

For seven weeks we wept and fasted and prayed.  And then, suddenly, the heavens opened.  A blinding light shone.  A divine voice spoke to us. “What about horrible love songs?”

“God!!!” we exclaimed.  “Great idea.  Thanks for the tip.”

Once more, God spoke.  “Only you must include, ‘Sex on Fire’ by Kings of Leon.  For if you do not include, “Sex on Fire,” by Kings of Leon, your competition will suffer from horrible blight, and nobody will read it.”

“We promise,” we assured.

And so it came to be that we would have a new competition.

The Worst Love Songs in Rock and Roll History

We begin as God willed, with Kings of Leon’s lilting, “Sex on Fire.”

This song actually features the highly disturbing lyric, “Your sex is on fire.“  What the hell!  Okay let’s say your friend’s penis is on fire.  What would you do?
1) Start singing about it?
2) Get some water.

Yeesh!

Of course, many songwriters have sought to understand the mysterious nature of love.  The Everly Brothers said love was like a stove.  Roxy Music called it a drug.  And Pat Benatar likened it to a battlefield.  But perhaps nobody has captured the essence of love as poignantly as Taylor Henderson in, “Borrow My Heart,” when he sings, “Love is a feeling that you feel.”  The point is, love is not just any old feeling.  It’s one that you feel.

To be fair, when it comes to love, many songwriters struggle with their words.  Just consider David Guetta in, “Sexy Bitch.”

I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl
Without being disrespectful
Damn you’se a sexy bitch.

Umm…I’m not sure you found the words?  You tried though.  That’s the important thing.

Selena Gomez did find the right words.  I’m serious as cancer when I say that this is an actual lyric from her love song, “Love You Like a Love Song.”:

I love you like a love song

How can I say this without being disrespectful?  Selena, songs are not capable of love.  Remember Taylor Henderson’s definition:  Love is a feeling that you feel.

Throughout history, poets have reached for countless metaphors to describe the female form.  Yet few have matched T. Rex in, “Get It On,” which includes this:

You’re built like a car.
You’ve got a hubcap diamond star halo.
You’re built like a car, oh yeah!

I’m not sure I would try that as my first pick-up line?

2 Chainz  waxed poetic about feminine beauty as well, in his, “Birthday Song,” which includes the line, “She got a big booty so I call her, ‘Big Booty’.”  That’s a pretty clever nickname you came up with.   Whatever made you think of it?

Next we turn to the act of love itself, which has inspired much powerful songwriting, and also, “Heaven’s on Fire” by KISS.

I got a fever ragin’ in my heart
You make me shiver and shake
Baby don’t stop
Take it to the top
Eat it like a piece of cake.

Eat at it like a piece of cake???  Wouldn’t that be kind of…painful?  I realize that, as John Cougar Mellencamp sang, “sometimes love don’t feel it should,” but…can’t you talk dirty any better than that, KISS people?

Of course, who can forget these powerful lines from “I’d Do Anything For Love,” by Meatloaf. 

I would do anything for love
Anything you’ve been dreaming of, but I just won’t do that
No I won’t do that

What the hell won’t he do?  Gotta be anal.  What else could it be?

Is anyone else confused by this couplet in Rod Stewart’s, “Tonight’s the Night”?

Don’t say a word my virgin child
Just let your inhibitions run wild

Virgin child:     Hang on.  If I let my inhibitions run wild, then you want me to be really inhibited.  Right?
Rod:                No no, I mean, be really uninhibited.
Virgin child:     But…that’s the opposite of what you just said.  Your usage is all wrong.  I’m not sure I can do this now.
Rod:                But…tonight’s the night!  It’s gonna be alright!
Virgin child:     Can you just take me home?

Our nostaglic walk through Love Song Hell ends of course with Steve Miller, who’s name is practically synonymous with horrible lyrics:

Lovey dovey, lovey dovey, lovey dovey all the time
Ooh wee baby, I sure show you good time

Can you imagine if people really spoke to each other like this?  Here’s a conversation between me and Mrs. Rotting Post (she has a mole on her shoulder, so I call her, “Mole On Your Shoulder”).

Me:                           I got a fever ragin’ in my heart.
Mrs. Rotting Post:       I’m really happy for you.  Can you take out the garbage?
Me:                           I will do anything for love.  But I won’t do that.
Mrs. Rotting Post:       What the hell is wrong with you?
Me:                            Did I ever tell you I love you like a love song?
Mrs. Rotting Post:        I cannot believe I married this idiot.
Me:                            You’re built like a car, oh yeah.
Mrs. Rotting Post:        Fuck you.

So what is the worst love song of all time? What is that one special song that really is worth hating?  Do share!

Gotta go.  My sex is on fire.

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23 COMMENTS

  1. This was so hilarious I laughed til I cried… and then I kept on laughing AND crying.

    I will need more time to find the worst love song of all time. That is a tall order. But immediately what came to mind was a song on Elton John’s first album which I listened to repeatedly at the impressionable age of 13. I wanted to be the kind of guy who really understood women, and I turned to Elton for advice (in retrospect may not have been an ideal choice). (Though it was actually Bernie Taupin who wrote the lyrics) Anyway, I learned something really important about love and what makes a girl into a woman, and it turns out it has something to do with hosiery:

    I was one as you were one
    And we were two so much in love forever
    I loved the white socks that you wore
    But you don’t wear white socks no more; now you’re a woman

    My advice: you may want to check on Mrs. Rotting Post’s sock drawer and see if she has white socks, it may be part of a larger issue

    • haha. glad you enjoyed.

      isn’t there a line in that dylan song,
      “and she makes love just like a woman
      but she wear white socks…just like a little girl.”

      maybe i should have turned to elton too. if i had, i probably wouldn’t be raising my kids on mars :).

    • This is a worthy entry. And Dan, you should also check Mrs. P’s closet to see if she has a Rocket Man costume. That will tell you a lot . . .

        • Well, it would mean you aren’t the man they think you are at home, so you would have to burn your fuse alone. And that would serve you right for taking your kids to Mars, because they would be very cold for a long time. A long, long time. And I don’t believe the white Sox would keep their toesies warm.

  2. My entry induces my gag reflex every time I hear it: Jennifer Juniper by Donovan. It’s not so much that the lyrics are stupid (which they are), but that they are presented in such a sappy, treacly limp@#$%^d fashion. And to compound the stupidity, he attempts erudition with the following:

    Jennifer Juniper, vit sur la colline
    Jennifer Juniper, assise très tranquille
    Dort-elle? Je ne crois pas
    Respire-t-elle? Oui, mais tout bas
    Qu’est-ce que tu fais, Jenny, mon amour?
    Jennifer Juniper
    Jennifer Juniper
    Jennifer Juniper

    What earthly excuse could there be?? The only thing I can think of is that Donovan was a Francophobe who wanted to piss the French off – and what better way than to pimp out “la langue de l’amour” with this saccharine nonsense?

    I am going to the salle de bains to spew.

    • you know, it’s interesting that even with my middling french i can tell how goopy this is. isn’t it amazing that song came out in 1968??? like there was still a parallel universe going on where it was still 1960! and yeah…listening now, and it really sucks! thanks.

  3. If you’d bothered listening to the lyrics of “I Would Do Anything for Love” you’d have known who he wouldn’t do, it’s in the fourth line of the song:

    I’d never lie to you and that’s a fact”

    See? Wasn’t that easy? I will never understand why people just don’t listen to the lyrics.

    • i do know this lyric. and i like the song. but…that line, ‘i won’t do that’ kind of shows up out of nowhere, separated from the lyric you reference…and although i agree that is the intended meaning, it still has always jarred me, struck me as suggestive, etc. to each their own 🙂

    • yeah, i considered including, “Honey”. it definitely deserves a dishonorable mention. that pina colada song i’d happily forgotten about.

      And somehow, all my life i’ve been spared the ‘having my baby’ crap, although i know many who have heard it have been traumatized and had to go through extensive psychotherapy.

  4. Thanks for this bit of amusement (and moment of truth)—well chosen and well described. I noted the illogic of Rod Stewart’s line when that song was popular. But the “Lovey Dovey” lyric did not originate with Steve Miller. See the following (condensed) from Wikipedia; I’m old enough to remember Buddy Knox’s version and may have heard Clyde McPhatter’s.

    “Lovey Dovey” is a popular American rhythm and blues song originating in the 1950s and written by Eddie Curtis and Ahmet Ertegun, with the latter usually credited using his songwriter’s pseudonym “Nugetre” – Ertegun spelled backwards.
    Numerous artists have recorded the song. The song’s initial recording by The Clovers is probably the most notable, as it reached #2 for five weeks on the R&B charts in 1954. Cover versions have been recorded by Clyde McPhatter in 1959, Buddy Knox in 1961, Dick Dale in 1962, The Coasters in 1964, Bunny Sigler in 1967, Otis Redding and Carla Thomas in 1967, and Delbert McClinton in 1976.
    Lyrics from “Lovey Dovey” (particularly “You’re the cutest thing, That I ever did see, I really love your peaches, Wanna shake your tree”), were used by Steve Miller in his 1974 chart-topping single “The Joker”. “The Joker” in turn was later sampled on another number one hit, “Angel” by Shaggy, giving Ahmet Ertegun credit as a songwriter on the latter.

  5. This is a riot, Dan. I like the fact that you stuck to bad lyrics. I was expecting something like a diatribe on McCartney’s “Silly Love Songs”, but this was much better.

  6. In fact, since it isn’t always possible to avoid pop music entirely, it’s probably best to at least steel oneself against attending to the lyrics. On occasion, a line or two will manage to break through even the best defenses, & a pointless riff of words will reinforce the overall wisdom of this policy. Entertaining contest though. Then too, it is always nice to hear something from Mrs. Rottingpost…

  7. Shocked and appalled that “Muskrat Love” has not been mentioned.

    Floatin’ like the heavens above
    Looks like muskrat love

    • sadly, i suffered through this song deciding whether to use it…but it did not make the final cut. and now i have that sickly feeling of having recently listened to ‘Muskrat Love’!

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