Commentary, Criticism, Snark

The Olympic Announcers Go For Gold – And We’re Here With All the Action

olympic featureIt was the fateful night of August 11th. The Rotting Post family was gathered around the TV, watching the women’s gymnastics competition, when the NBC announcer, discussing Simone Biles’s upcoming performance, said this in his deepest, most dramatic baritone:  “Destiny isn’t prewritten!”

My son spoke up first. “Hang on.  Isn’t that like the literal definition of destiny?  Something that is pre-written?”

My own first thought was, “I wonder if there is a blog piece in this.”  My second thought was, “I really hope this announcer keeps saying stupid crap.”

As fate would have it, the NBC Announcer did keep on saying stupid crap.  Just minutes later he declared, in reference to a Russian Gymnast who had failed to make it to the podium, that, “She has gold medal pride!

From that moment on, I knew it was my destiny to make fun of this announcer – that everything I had trained for, the long hours alone, perfecting my smarm, all of the sacrifices – it would all be worth it if I could just mock this announcer now, on this huge, Olympic stage.  The only question that remained was, could he get even more melodramatic?

We’ll find out the answer, after these commercials.

 

We’re back now here at The Rotting Post, featuring Americans Rotty Post and Al Hackney, and we’re coming to you on Live Tape Delay (which means we’re phyically still alive, but by the time this is aired, we might not be.)   Well, it’s time to break out all the superlatives.   Because these NBC Announcers have sure earned them.   Over to you, Al.”

“Thanks, Rotty.  We’ll return to the Gymnastics Announcers a little later, but first let’s learn about World Hopping Champion, American Gerald Robins, who’s about to go for the gold.”

“You know, Speed-Hopping doesn’t necessarily get the attention of marquee sports like Archery and Weighlifting, but for American Gerald Robins…”  [Insert twenty-minute biopic here.]

“You know, Al, it’s not talent that makes true champions.  It’s will!”

“Well, said.  We’ll be right back.  After these messages.”

 

“Well, we’re here again.  Al Hackney here along with Rotty Post.  So Rotty how do you think these NBC announcers are doing so far?”

“They’ve really saved their best for the biggest stage!   They’re out there giving 110%!  If they can keep it up, they have a real shot at going gold and silver in the Sports Cliché category.”

olympics

“Well, that’s what being a real champion is about.  True champions don’t always win, but they’re the ones with the most guts.”

“I was about to say the same thing, Al.  Because it’s written right here.   Instead, I’ll say this other thing written next to it:  Champions are the ones who keep on going, even when they can’t.”

“Exactly.  And great announcers keep talking even when they’re just rambling nonsense.”

“So well said, Al.  Starkist doesn’t want tuna with good taste.  It wants tuna that tastes good.”

“That’s right, Rotty.  I can’t believe this isn’t butter.”olympics2

“Agreed.  I’ll be right back, Al.”

“Where are you going?”

“I need to use a bathroom.   I have gold medal indigestion.”

“Sounds like a good time for some more commercials.”

“Excellent call.  When you gotta go.”

“So true.  I’ve always loved that saying.”

“Me too.”

 

“We’re back now.  This is Al Hackney along with Rotty Post, and we’re about to bring you file footage of American Michael Phelps in a gold medal ceremony.”

“What event is this for, Al?”

“Who knows?  What difference does it make?  It’s Michael Phelps.  Getting a gold medal.”

“Great stuff.”

“Are we ever going to go back to gymnastics?”

“Right after badminton, Al.”

“Badminton?  Is that really an Olympic sport?”

“It says here that it is.”

“Are you sure?”

“You’re never sure until you’re sure, Al.”

“So true.  So true.   Please don’t squeeze the Charmin.”

“Well said.”

 

The Rotting Post family will be on a sunny, island vacation this week.  There will be a new piece next weekend, but there could be a delay in responding to comments, emails, etc.  Everyone have a lovely week!  

Advertisements

19 replies »

  1. Time to make the doughnuts, perhaps? We will sell no wine before its time, perchance? 🙂 Enjoy your vacation and hurry back so your devoted fan base can continue enjoying your snarkiness.

    Like

  2. This is a particular skill of sportscasting, though. To twist words into shapes they’ve never seen before, to reach new heights of malaprop and skullclichery. To fill voids with endless meaningless babblegabble…

    Like

  3. Wow. You really came to play with this blog. You gave it your all and stepped up to the plate. Clearly, you came to play because you took it to the next level. You brought your A game by keeping your eye on the ball. This blog won’t be denied! And I’m sure it means the world to your readers.

    Like

  4. The WORST is Bob Costas. He tries so hard to sound natural and all-knowing, but it’s all so clearly scripted. I have to leave the room when he comes on.

    Like

    • I couldn’t disagree more. Bob Costas is one of the few sportscasters who is a true professional. He generally avoids cliches and hyperbole. He is intelligent, articulate, and extremely knowledgeable about sports. I am also a big fan of Mary Carillo, and I love the way the two of them play off each other.

      Like

  5. Great post – couldn’t agree more, and frequently found myself hitting the mute button in order to avoid grinding my teeth together during the ridiculous babble. I must also say that I was sad to learn that somehow I managed to miss the World Hopping Competition!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s