Well, it’s pretty obvious to anyone who went to my high school how this happened. This was so clearly a Homo sapiens chick with some Neanderthal dude. I mean, isn’t it just so classic? Here’s some cute, perfectly sensible-seeming sapiens female. She’s surrounded by all these big-brained sapiens guys. And what? She goes for some freaking Neanderthal! Just like what’s-her-name from my junior year homeroom: Lori Jacobs! And Scott Bortz!
But here’s the truly interesting thing: Many modern diseases, including a tendency toward depression, are linked to “DNA from Neanderthals!”
Do you see what this means? First, the prehistoric Loris made us genetically susceptible to depression. By having sex with Neanderthals! Then the contemporary Loris give us that little push into soul-crushing despair. By having sex with Neanderthals! Think about it: My whole life, my actual genes, everything that is wrong – due to girls having sex with Neanderthals!
I can see it so clearly. It’s 40,000 BC. And there’s proto-Lori. Paleo-Lori. She’s attractive. Interesting. Can count all the way to three. She could have any guy out there. And here’s this smart, caring Homo sapiens. He’s sensitive. Understanding. Has a 1450cc cranial capacity. Plus he’s a big success financially – a wholesaler of stone flakes. He’s got a nice hearth. More stone flake orders than he can handle. And what? She’s off with Scott Bortz!