Commentary, Criticism, Snark

CAREERS: Have You Considered the Glamorous World of Taxi-Driving?

Do you mutter?   Do you think of driving in traffic as a thrilling combination of  video game and bloodsport?  Do you find yourself wondering if the CIA has implanted a microchip in your buttocks?  If the answer to these questions is yes, a glamorous career driving a New York City Taxi could be right for you!

Sure, you’re thinking, I’d love to drive my very own taxi.  Who wouldn’t?  But…Do you have what it takes?

taxi1

 

Are you ready to finally find out?  Just fill out our official:   

 

 New York City Taxi Driver Application and Questionnaire

 

Enter Your Most Recent Name:

 

Have you ever been treated for a serious mental illness?  If not, explain. 

 

In the space below, describe your three most recent arrests.   

 

Driving Aptitude:   Choose the Best Answer to the Following Questions: 

Yellow lights are for:
A) Sissies
B) Facing off with other cabbies in a game of chicken
C) Testing what happens when you floor the gas pedal
D) Who wants to know?

While taking a fare through Brooklyn, you drive by an attractive woman in a short skirt. You should: 
A) Keep your eyes on her at all times, ignoring the road entirely
B) Roll down your window, climb halfway out and call the following nonsense syllables at her: “Ay! Cha-cha-la-cha!”
C) Contact the dispatcher on your cellphone to report the sighting
D) Beep ecstatically as though your car is orgasming

When the car in front of you shows his brake lights you should:
A) Prepare to swerve
B) Accelerate up to the car, then jam on the brakes
C) This is a good time to make a cellphone call
D) Swear

The best way to cross Manhattan East-West during rush-hour is to:
A) Honk in short, staccato bursts
B) Honk in a long, sustained wail
C) Head due West for several thousand miles, following the ancient, “Western Route” to the East Side.
D) It cannot be done.

If another cab-driver cuts you off, forcing you to brake, you should:
A) Remain in your car, giving him the finger clearly with both hands
B) Roll down the window, hold your arm palm outward and sweep of your arm forward in an “up yours” motion.
C) Get out of your car and threaten the other driver, but do not make physical contact
D) You may push and shove, but do not slash or stab

The Queensborough Bridge leads from Manhattan to which borough?
A) Queens
B) The Bronx
C) New Jersey
D) France

What is your favorite car accident method?
A) Rear-ending
A) Side-swipe
A) Head-on
d) Doggy-style

Send Your Answers in now to:

“So I Wanna Drive A Taxi.  You Got a Problem With That?”
PO Box 902
66 Gridlock Way
New York, NY 10017

 

 

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13 replies »

  1. You get an obvious “first time to the big city, ever” patron. You should:
    A) Try not to drool so much as to flood the cab
    B) Explain that the most direct route has had recent gunfire, and you promise this detour will keep them safe
    C) Smile sweetly in the rear view mirror. Then think of mom while muttering the entire direct route “ I can’t, I just can’t.”
    D) Speak to them in any language but English … then speak to the dispatcher in English – laugh a lot.

    Like

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