Many feel that 2016 was a truly horrible year, right up there with 1861, the start of the Civil War, 1932 with its rising tide of Fascism, and of course, 1993, the year that gave us The Macarena – a song we have yet to fully recover from.
Well, it’s time get over our post-Trumpatic stress, stop focusing so much on the world coming apart, and celebrate all the good things from 2016:
Obama visited Cuba! The Cubs won the World Series! Taylor Swift received an award of some sort. And Bob Dylan was given the Nobel Prize for Literature! (I was really rooting for Sonny and Cher). Michael Phelps showed our indomitable American spirit by winning his record 23rd gold medal. And Teammate Ryan Lochte also did us proud, by peeing in a drunken stupor at a Brazilian gas station and concocting a fake news story to cover it up.
Sadly, we lost many people we truly cared for in 2016. But let’s look at the bright side! Think of how many people we lost who meant nothing at all to us! People like Jim Delligatti, creator of the Big Mac, and Jeanne Martin, wife of Dean Martin. We didn’t even really care about him, much less his wife. And of course, 2016 will forever be remembered as the year we lost Zsa Zsa Gabor. When I first heard the shocking news of Zsa Zsa Gabor’s passing, I thought what most Americans thought: “What? She wasn’t dead yet?”
See how much better it is when you focus on the positive?
So without further ado, it’s time to hand out the 2016 Rotties – our first annual Rotting Post Awards celebrating The Best Of 2016.
1. Creepiest Advertisement of 2016:
The coveted Creepiest Advertisement of 2016 goes to Avery Soda for this extraordinary effort:
Personally…and maybe it’s just me…but I’m not sure I really want to be “sodamazed” by my soda. In fact, I’m no longer feeling comfortable with the shape of that bottle.
2. Scientific Achievement of the Year
In science news, we discovered the oldest known case of human/Neanderthal sex – dating back 100,000 years! (Unfortunately, the researchers were unable to determine whether it was “really good” sex or, “just okay”.)
And for the very first time in history, scientists at Youtube captured actual video of a cat flushing a toilet.
But by far the most important scientific achievement of 2016 goes to Ben Carson, who revealed that the Egyptian Pyramids were actually vast, spectacularly inefficient grain silos. I’m still trying to imagine the day they broke the news to Pharaoh.
Pharaoh: You spent 100 years and forgot to leave room inside to store the grain???
Architect: It was an oversight. I admit it. But we can fix it.
3. Oddest New Monicker of 2016:
Deflategate took a startling turn in 2016, when a U.S. Appeals Court reinstated the four game suspension of handsomely-dimpled quarterback Tom Brady, who officially became known as the “Deflator-in-chief” (which is odd, because that was always Mrs. Rotting Post’s nickname).
4. Most Inspiring Campaign Speech of 2016:
Okay, perhaps the candidate of our choice did not win, but let’s just savor that one immortal moment, that one perfect, glorious moment, when Ted Cruz actually said, and I quote, “Donald Trump may be a rat, but I have no desire to copulate with him.” It’s truly shocking that he did not win with this inspiring platform of Rat Copulation and not having sex with fellow candidates.
5. Best Autocorrect of 2016 goes to:
Mrs. Rotting Post laughed a little too hard at this one, if you ask me.
6. Most Urgently Needed New Word added to Merriam Webster Dictionary:
Beardtastic – having perfect facial hair. (sentence: So what if he was a Communist Revolutionary, that Fidel Castro is totally beardtastic.)
How did we make it so long without this word? How were we even able to express ourselves? It’s hard to think back to what it was even like.
7. Best “Cover” of the Year
While it’s true, there were no great new songs in 2016, there was one outstanding cover. We’re referring, of course, to Melania Trump’s stirring rendition of Michelle Obama’s 2008 speech to the Democratic Convention. Melania’s Slavic accent worked perfectly!
8. Movie of the Year
2016 always will be remembered as the year in which both, “Sausage Party,” and “Weiner,” were released. Maybe they should run as a double feature. And they could serve Avery soft drinks as refreshments. That would be sodamazing!
Actually, after careful consideration by our panel of experts, we’re giving Movie of the Year to that youtube video of the cat flushing the toilet.
9. Celebrity Comeback of 2016
The Celebrity Comeback of the Year goes to Bill O’Reilly of Fox News. He took a lot of heat early in 2016 for claiming to be in war zones he had not actually been in. Sure, he said he’d witnessed stuff firsthand and later had to clarify that he’d witnessed it firsthand on TV. But his courageous wartime coverage of War on Christmas has been superb.
That about does it for this year’s Rotties.
Actually there is one other news story I forgot to mention: Weed is now legal in Massachusetts! And guess what? Sonny and Cher isn’t really as bad as I’d remembered!
And from all of us here at the Rotting Post family, wishing you a great holiday.