BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump Named, “Ferret Of the Year” by Animal Planet

BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump Named, “Ferret Of the Year” by Animal Planet

Washington, D.C., May 13, 2017

Trump is first ever named Being of the Year in two separate categories

ferret of the year

Note:  Donald Trump was not actually named Ferret of the Year.  That’s fake news from us lying media people.   What’s more it is childish and not funny at all.  He was actually Weasel of the Month.

Star of “The Apprentice” Tells Real-Life FBI Director, “You’re Fired.”

What a week!  It all began with Dear Leader’s infamous letter to FBI director James Comey that read, in part, “While I greatly appreciate you informing me, on three separate occasions, that I am not under investigation, I nevertheless…”

It was with these memorable words that President Trump gave Director Comey his official, Presidential Wedgie.

Of course, the usual doubting Schumers and doubting Pelosis claimed the firing was an attempt to quash the Russia Investigation.  But, as Spicey Spicer explained when he emerged after hiding in the White House bushes, “that’s absurd!”   (To be fair, The Washington Post later corrected its account of Spicer hiding in the bushes, clarifying that Spicer was actually hiding “among the bushes”.   Thanks for that important correction, Washington Post.  That changes everything.)

Trump’s Lawyers Clear Him In Russia Investigation

Great news!   The entire Russia Investigation is totally unnecessary now.  Generalissimo Trump’s personal lawyers released a letter saying so!   Specifically, the letter states that  Trump has not received, and we quote, “any income of any type from Russian sources, with a few exceptions.””  That’s pretty persuasive stuff, I’m sure you agree.  In fact, Charles Manson never actually never murdered anyone.  With a few exceptions.

What’s more, as Trump explained,“It’s a certified letter!”  Aha!  Certified!  So that makes it true!  You see?  The whole Russia investigation can stop now. The president has looked into it thoroughly, and has cleared himself of wrongdoing.

Will TASS Be Named Official White House News Service? 

On the day after the Comey firing, President I-Have-No-Ties-To-Russia celebrated with his old pals from – you guessed it – Russia, hosting Russian Ambassador Kislyak and Foreign Minister Lavrov in the Oval Office.  This event was shielded from the American press.  Fortunately, a photographer from Kremlin news service TASS was on hand to turn these happy times into memories that will last a lifetime.

russia meeting

 

The Heartbreak of Narcissism

Next it was off to Time Magazine, where the president showed an impressive command  of alternative facts.  We bring you a few highlights:

Actual Quote I: “In a short period of time I understood everything there was to know about health care.”  I’m sure his lawyers would have added, “with a few exceptions.”  Such as how the healthcare system works.  But other than that, he gets it.

Actual Quote II:  “You know we’ve gotten billions of dollars more in NATO than what we’re getting.  All because of me! I mean it’s not like a bragging thing.  I’m just saying.” Note to the Leader of the Free World:   When you say, “All because of me!”, generally speaking, it’s like a bragging thing.   Also, it makes you sound like a Batman villain.  I’m just saying.  I’m not calling you a douchebag.  I’m just saying.  You’re a douchebag.

Actual Quote III:  “I’m getting very good marks in foreign policy…I’m getting As and A+s on foreign policy.”   Of course, he did tell his teacher that he shouldn’t be penalized for bad spelling, bad grammar, botching the Yemen raid, picking fights with Canada,  claiming Korea was once part of China, and knowing nothing about what NATO does, because he comes from an overprivileged background, and he’s an imbecile,  and his narcissism is a disability, it’s a pre-existing condition, he really deserves an A+, with a few exceptions.

What a fun-filled week it’s been, here in Trumplandia!  Please put your hands together – and keep your knees closed – for our hero president!


TEST YOUR UNDERSTANDING:

(1) Was Comey fired for being too mean to Hillary, as the Trump Administration claims, or to quash the Russia investigation?
(a) Duh.
(b)  You’re fucking kidding me.
(c)  Gee, I’m stumped.
(d)  Wow, this is really hard.   Can I skip to the next question?

(2) What was Press Secretary Sean Spicer doing outside the White House as news of the Comey firing broke?
(a) Hiding in the bushes
(b) Hiding among the bushes, but not in them
(c) Peeing among the bushes, but not hiding.
(d) Peeing and hiding in and among the bushes.


 

 

 

SHARE

30 COMMENTS

  1. From now on, in the interest of anger management, I intend to get my news exclusively from your page. What a hilarious synopsis of all manner of terrifying events. And I’m pretty sure Manson killed Gary Hinman directly, but that kind of got overshadowed by the whole Sharon Tate thing.

  2. Not fair to ferrets, or perhaps to the entire weasel family.
    BTW, do you have any opinion of the law firm of Fisher, Mink, Martin, and Weasel?

  3. I agree with Boris. How dare you compare Trump to ferrets? Ferrets are playful and social animals. When not sleeping, they are buzzing with energy and find great pleasure in exercise (real exercise, not golf). They are also very smart and have a natural curiosity. You have done a tremendous disservice to the entire weasel population. You should be ashamed of yourself.

    • wow, i was not ashamed previously but you have pointed out much for me to be ashamed about. Dear Ferrets: I humbly apologize and did not wish to demean your fine species.

  4. On behalf of the ferrets I accept your apology. Offhand I can’t really think of an animal species that wouldn’t be demeaned by a comparison with our orange faced leader.

  5. The only down-side to his upcoming impeachment would be the end of this blog. Liked the ‘and keep your knees closed’. Nice touch.

  6. Ooooh, I think I hurt myself laughing! But that’s okay. (It beats sobbing hopelessly over the number of idiots who supported the Big Cheeto.) Of course, I’m mean. Anytime someone gripes about Pres. 45 to me – that is, someone who didn’t care a bit about the election – I immediately say, “You told me you didn’t even vote. So this is entirely your fault.”

    I blame Trumplethinskin for this. I used to be a nice person. Okay, nicer than I am now.

    • you know there is a serious side to this comment for me. i often find myself wondering, have i gotten too nasty? is this too low? where does one draw the line? glad you enjoyed.

  7. Hello dear Rotting Post. Thank you for your smart posts. I engage with them as enthusiastically as always, and your witty creations continue to make me chortle; ultimately, though, the sinking feeling that comes with ‘Trumplandia’ leaves me bereft of words.

  8. Thanks Robyn. I suspect some of the inner machinations of U.S. politics are less interesting to non U.S. readers such as yourself. Hope it is not getting dull. perhaps impeachment is not far off and i can get back to general humor. we shall see.

Leave a Comment/Reply