We at The Rotting Post maintain a policy of strict non-partisanship. We are equal opportunity snarkers, and truly had intended to avoid politics altogether, in favor of all that is elevating and ennobling. But when a major candidate for President of The United States takes a courageous position on the important, yet oft-neglected question of rodent sex, it demands our attention. Indeed, to anyone who takes our future as a nation seriously, it would verge on negligence to not discuss it.
We are speaking of course of Ted Cruz, and his recent major policy address. If you have not yet seen it, you should consider it your duty as a citizen to click here (His discussion of rat copulation begins at the :53 mark)
When we first heard this on the news, we at the Post were briefly stunned. We admit it kind of went right by, almost as though we’d been numbed by some mysterious anesthetic. It was only hours later, as the spell wore off, that we thought back. Wait. Was that kind of odd? Did he really say that? Had a reporter asked him about rat copulation? And so we went back, played it on YouTube, and realized it was perhaps single greatest political moment of our lives. Surely, it will be remembered for generations along with the uplifting oratory uttered by so many leaders of the past:
“A house divided against itself cannot stand” – Abraham Lincoln
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself” – Franklin Delano Roosevelt
“Although Donald Trump is a rat, I have no desire to copulate with him” – Ted Cruz.
What strikes us most is the conviction, the high-mindedness with which Cruz declares his rodent preferences. He is looking beyond the reporters, vaguely upward toward the heavens, outward toward the future. “Let me be clear. Although Donald Trump is a rat….[perfect, Princeton-debate-team pause]…I have no desire to copulate with him”
That’s beautiful, Ted! Thank you for sharing that.
But what does it mean? That Ted Cruz does have a desire to copulate with other rats? Only, he has standards? Sure, he enjoys a rat every once in a while like everyone else. I mean, who doesn’t? Only he does not wish to copulate with the Donald Trump rat.
We all know Cruz’s stances on the other issues facing our great nation: illegal immigration, terrorism, the looming national debt. Yet if you are like us, you have surely been wondering, these many months: but where does Ted Cruz stand on rat copulation? And on copulating with the other candidates! Now, at long last, we know. Thank you, Senator Cruz! We can only hope the other candidates will come forward with their own platforms on these pressing issues of rat copulation and fellow-candidate copulation, so we can compare, and make an informed decision accordingly.