The holiday season is upon us, Jack Frost is in the air, and we’re here with our very own Holiday Gift Guide – brought to you exclusively by The Rotting Post and Hermes.
The following completely real items will be sure to bring you and your loved ones seconds of joy, right up until the package is unwrapped.
- Hermès Card Case in Swift calfskin with lambskin lining….$1,100
You don’t need to spend a hundred thousand dollars on a Mercedes S to feel like a rich asshole. You need only throw away $1,100 on this useless cardholder, and you can be every bit as much of a douche. Measuring just 3” by 4”, it’s small enough to hold nothing, and comes with a guarantee that it will get wedged behind a sofa cushion, never to be found again, before your holiday is even over! Do we even need to mention its “Clou de Selle” fastener? Well, it’s got one. Just imagine the lifetime of merriment you will have, opening and closing it with this peerless snap.
- The Hermès Nautilus Pen….$1,670
There’s nothing that says to your man, “I didn’t really know what to get you,” like a good pen. And there is no more exclusive way to say you had no idea what to get him than this $1,670 Nautilus stylus. It features, “a brushed stainless steel underside, an Iridium point, and a 10-carat white gold nib”.
And sure, it’s easy enough to find a pen with nice top parts, but what about one that has a handsome underside and a magnificent nib? Just think about how your man will cherish his glorious nib, and think of you whenever he takes it out. Isn’t that worth $1,670?
- Hermès Whistle Pendant…$225
We’re sure you agree: The annoying thing about most whistles is that they whistle. But…wouldn’t you just love a whistle that didn’t whistle? Your dreams have been answered! And because this is just $225, it makes the perfect stocking-stuffer for all your friends and family!
This lovely Hermes non-whistling whistle is made of Permabrass! Which is just like regular brass, but with the letters p-e-r-m-a before the word “brass”. It comes in the exclusive color of “colorless”, and bears the prestigious reference number: HD7164D00
- Hermès 85% Wool, 15% Cashmere Horse Blanket….$1,275
Just the other day my horse and I were having one of those heart-to-hearts we have sometimes, and he said, “If you really cared about me, you’d buy me a Hermes 85% Wool, 15% Cashmere blanket”. Because let’s face it, what horse would not be moved to tears by a brown, tartan blanket with an “H” on it? I know mine will be, when he finds his Hermes blanket on Christmas morning, there under the tree. He will look at me, questioningly, diffidently, yet full of emotion, “For me??”
“Yes, it’s…for you,” I will say tenderly, meaningfully, as we cast our eyes upon one another.
Sure, $1,275 is a lot of money for a horse blanket. But just think of that moment your horse first gazes upon the Hermes “H”! It will be a memory he will cherish for the rest of his life!
- Hermès Coal-Grey 100% Wool Woman’s Suit…..$10,000
Who hasn’t thought, “What if my beloved partner in life were to die suddenly? What would I have to wear to the funeral?”
Don’t leave your wife or loved one unprepared. For just $10,00 you can fit her in the dreariest-looking outfit money can buy. Available in Charcoal, Dank, Melancholy and Grey Grey.
- Hermès Paperweight in Hand-Laquered Wood.…$1,350
Looking for a way to say, “I don’t really love you anymore,” but with class? How about this useless Hermes paperweight, for just $1,350? It’s 6.3 inches tall, made of genuine wood, and will secure a stack of papers in winds of up to 6 miles per hour.
If your loved one deals with papers, he or she has no doubt run into the problem, “I need something that has a non-zero weight to hold these papers down with. Where in the world will I ever find something like that?” Well, for just a little over $1,000, Hermes has solved this age-old problem. And your loved one will always remember that this year was the year you gave him a paperweight!
- Licol Cherry Tomato Cufflinks..…$450
These impressive cufflinks actually have the words, “Hermes” and “Paris” right on them! Perhaps you are thinking, “Is this the actual product, or just the label”? That’s because, for the single price of $450, you get an authentic Hermes label that also, conceivably, could be used for something!
Why do they say,”Paris”? Who cares. It’s a prestigious word. It’s in France! So go ahead. Give them to the man in your life. And watch that look in his eyes as he forms the words, “What are these? What do you do with them? Didn’t they invent buttons in like the thirteenth century?”
- Hermès silk dress in silk cady……$3,350
How many times have I said to Mrs. Rotting Post, “Honey, I love it when you dress up like a gourd.” Well, now, for less than the cost of a new home, you can buy your partner that gourd outfit you both have been dreaming of. So go ahead! Spice up your love life. It’s okay that it’s for both of you. And rest assured, because the prestigious Hermes gourd dress is made of “75% viscose.” Which is an actual material! Just imagine the two of you snuggled together romantically:
“Your 75% viscose silk cady gourd is making me so hot!”
“I love the way you say, ‘Viscose silk cady’. I wonder what it means.”
“And I love the way you say, ‘Clou de Selle’. I wonder what that means.”
“Mmmmm…me too. Doesn’t it sound so prestigious though?”
“Yes…mmmm….It makes me feel so superior!”
“I know! Oh God..don’t stop. Do you like your 10 carat white gold nib?”
“Honey, I love it even more than I love you.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! And I love your licol cherry tomato cufflinks even more than I love you, too!”
- Hermès Long-sleeved Shirt in Cotton Poplin…..$1,375
This is a goddamn shirt. It costs $1,375.00. What is wrong with these people? Even the model looks pissed.
For those of you who like to not laugh, I have a piece in Publisher’s Weekly this week, “What do Writers Have a Right to Write?” that can be found here.
And remember, for the same price as an Hermes paperweight, you can buy 80 copies of my novel, “The Feet Say run” (made of 100% opaque bond paper and using the prestigious “Constantia” font). That makes 80 paperweights for the price of just one! Why not pick up 80 copies for the holidays?