As some of you know, The Rotting Post sponsored a Humor Competition back in the Spring.
I received approximately 200 submissions. Thanks to all who submitted, and to those of you who did not make the final cut, please remember that the winning selections are based on one individual’s sophomoric opinion: Mrs. Rotting Post’s.
Sorry. That was a joke.
I had planned on a first and second prize, but in the end I wound up with three pieces I thought were best, and could not choose between them. So I decided to just call all three tied for one-and-a-third place and publish them all. They’re all quite sophisticated, in spite of my best efforts to, “dumb them down” to my level.
With some further ado, the winning entries are below.
- David Holper of Eureka California for his comic poem that took me a minute to “get”, because I’m kind of dense, but turned out to be really fun.
- Travis Kennedy of Scarborough, Maine for his letter to the Game Of Thrones team (knowledge of Game of Thrones not required). His website is www.traviskennedy.com.
- Tara Cambpell of Washington D.C. for her Ashram Exit Interview. Her website is www.taracambpell.com.
I do expect to be sponsoring this again in 2017, so check in for updates.
There. I am done with the ado, and while I go clean it up, please enjoy their work!
To The Game of Thrones Team, From Your Future King
By Travis Kennedy
Dear Mr. Weiss and Mr. Benioff;
Congratulations on a gripping sixth season of Game of Thrones! Like the rest of the world, I’m hanging on the edge of my seat. As such, I’ve decided that I would like to play a pivotal role in the series’ endgame – and am making a gracious offer to play a meaty, scene chewing part in season seven.
In order to streamline pre-production and avoid any costly delays, hurt feelings or ruthless staged walkouts, I thought we could get my personal rider requests out of the way right now. Don’t worry! It’s industry-standard stuff, although it might seem unorthodox to receive a thorough talent rider from a non-SAG performer with zero acting credits under his belt, and who hasn’t even tried out for the show yet. But trust me. I’m that good.
I can just tell.
Anyway. The rider:
- In order to maximize my creative potential, I need a lot of fresh fruit and bottled spring water available for grazing at all times.
- My trailer should have access to broadband Internet and satellite television.
- My character should have at least one extended love scene with both Daenerys Targaryen and Margaery Tyrell. I’m aware that Margaery died at the end of season six; but that hasn’t stopped you before! Ghost Margaery, maybe? I’ll leave that to the writers.
- My scene with Margaery should be soft focused and candlelit, with a romantic soundtrack. It should be one of those sex scenes that – while unquestionably graphic and explicit – shows two people finding shelter in each others’ embrace and making a real romantic connection.
- My scene with Daenerys, however, should be fun and naughty, and the soundtrack should match the unbridled, kinky vibe of the coupling – suggestion: “Pour Some Sugar on Me” by Def Leppard. One of Daenery’s dragons should walk in during it, and then I can turn to the camera and say, “Hubba hubba! And I thought MY scenes were steamy!” (See if you can get Dave Coulier for the dragon).
- I’m perfectly comfortable with nudity, but I’m not exactly in what you would call “shirt-off-shape.” I’ll need a personal trainer and possibly the support of some light CGI.
- In order for me to hit the perfect creative mood, I need to witness a vicious bird fight right before each pivotal scene. They can be air, ground or water fowl, as long as the stakes are high enough that they’re taking it seriously.
- This reminds me, chicken wings must be among the foods in my trailer.
- Back to those sex scenes. I do NOT require a closed set or diminished crew. The more the merrier! Natalie Dormer and Emilia Clarke are free to explore the space and try out whatever feels right; I’m not bashful. They are allowed to look me in the eyes, but I don’t recommend it. It’s pretty dark in there.
- If we’re shooting in February, my scenes will have to be filmed in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. I have a thing there that I can NOT get out of.
- My character must start a band with Tyrion and Jon Snow. During an extended band rehearsal montage, I’d like to see Jon lighten up a little, at first despite his best efforts to stay moody. Like, we catch him smiling after a nice guitar riff and tease him about it at first; but by the end of the montage we’re all laughing over beers.
- I’m allergic to fur. As a substitute costume, I will supply my own button-fly jeans.
- My wife cannot know about ANY OF THIS. She thinks I stopped watching the show.
Thanks for taking care of these humble requests now, so we can get to work making TV history together!
Future King of Westeros
Exit Interview for the Enlightened Jebediah Ramabishwalla’s Communal Ashramporium and Resort
By Tara Campbell
Dear former brother/sister in light,
We are deeply saddened that you have chosen to leave The Enlightened Jebediah Ramabishwalla’s Communal Ashramporium and Resort of Teaneck, New Jersey.
In order to more fully serve the spiritual needs of future adherents, we would appreciate your feedback on the following activities/experiences/factors that may have led to your decision to leave the Holy Compound.
(Please check all that apply)
Please use this space to express to The Enlightened Jebediah Ramabishwalla anything you think it would be important for his Blessedness to know (please keep in mind that unprincipled/unbridled expressions of vengeance or disobedience may jeopardize your next incarnation):
Please initial here to acknowledge receipt of non-disclosure agreement you signed upon entrance to the Holy Compound (copy provided for your convenience).
Please initial here to acknowledge that we have location information on the family/loved ones you listed in the emergency contact form you filled out upon entry (see attached), and to acknowledge your awareness that we have confirmed the accuracy of this information and are continually updating our files.
Please initial here to acknowledge that if you really go through with this plan to leave the Holy Compound, the Enlightened Jebediah Ramabishwalla’s Communal Ashramporium and Resort is no longer responsible should you come back in your next life as a vole.
Thank you for your Business.
The Enlightened Jebediah Ramabishwalla’s Communal Ashramporium and Resort, Teaneck, New Jersey
The Dead Grandmother
– By David Holper
Oh, how my heart aches to hear of your dead grandmother,
particularly on this, the day that your final paper is due,
on which the question of your passing or failing this course
so desperately hinges. I am thinking of her there
in Dubuque or Council Bluffs or Clackamas, laid out
in her best white lace dress in that expensive black coffin
lined with periwinkle silk, just waiting for your arrival at her funeral.
I imagine it was no accident, her death. No, she loved you so,
more than the rest of your family ever did. Unlike your disloyal parents or siblings,
your dismissive aunts and uncles, she saw past your slovenly habits, your poor attitude,
your lack of attention to detail to the real you—the one
buried beneath that false veneer
that so frequently fooled the rest of us. And it was that love
she had for you, I am almost certain that was, in this, the 15th week
of the semester, her downfall. Yesterday, I imagine,
she had gone out for her walk, just at sunset. As she shuffled along,
she prayed and worried for you, worried about the stresses
of your young life, worried about your tendency to overindulge
in mezcal the night before the big exam, worried
about the pressures put upon you by professors who did not understand
your genius. And coming home again, there she sat, with her delicate heart, her high blood pressure, her diabetes; it was all too much, and so, sitting alone there in the darkness of her living room—need I remind you of her ever-present anxiety for you— her heart beat one last
aching beat for you—and beat no more. So, yes, of course
no question but you must go to the imaginary funeral, and when you pretend
to lay a red rose on her coffin, lay another from me and tell her Godspeed,
before they lower her into the unforgiving earth.