Did you know that, according to the official United States Calendar of Ghastly Diseases, World Hepatitis Day is July 28? May I ask what you are planning to do to celebrate? Nothing? Have you considered a hepatitis-themed barbeque, or some other suitable tribute?
We at The Rotting Post are sick and tired of the way our fellow Americans cavalierly disregard some of our most beloved diseases.
To highlight this issue, we offer you a list of some of the most important Ghastly Disease Days and Ghastly Disease Months from the Official Health and Human Services Calendar [we are not making these up], along with our very special, recommended observances:
June is Myasthenia Gravis Awareness Month
Be aware: There is a Dreadful Disease called Myasthenia Gravis.
August is National Breastfeeding Month
Important: if you have an infant, you only need to breastfeed it during August – National Breastfeeding Month. For all other months, bottle is fine.
March 14 – 20 is National Brain Awareness Week
Observance – Meditation. Ponder the paradox that, without your brain, you wouldn’t even be able to have brain awareness. And then how would you observe brain awareness week?
July is Group B Strep Awareness Month
If you’re like us, you’re probably thinking, “What the Hell, Group B Strep?! How come you get a whole month, and Hepatitis A, B and C combined only gets one lousy day? And what about Group A Strep? Is that just nothing? Dogmeat?” Ignore this observance. Group B Strep is just being selfish.
October 29 is World Psoriasis Day.
Go to Youtube and play the old Tegrin Dandruff Shampoo commercial that begins with, “The heartbreak of Psoriasis…”. Then think of ways to make fun of it, like we used to do when we were kids. Then feel very guilty. Because it turns out that Psoriasis in no laughing matter. It causes itching! And flaking! If people like you weren’t snickering we probably wouldn’t even need a Psoriasis Awareness Month.
September is Pain Awareness Month:
Take a minute right now to identify pains around your body that you weren’t even aware of. Try to be more conscious of pains you are experiencing. Be aware: pain is horrible.
September 13 is Celiac Disease Awareness Day:
According to the Celiac Support Association, thanks to the hard work of [we are not making this up] the Gluten Intolerance Group of North America, the U.S. Senate has declared September 13 to be Celiac Disease Awareness Day. Well, it is nice to see the senate finally getting down to the nation’s important business. But what the hell! Why are they listening to an Intolerance Group? Typical. How about a little more tolerance of Gluten, people? Can’t we all just get along?
Have a gluten-free baking contest. Hint: sneak in a bit of gluten to improve flavor.
September 30 is Sport Purple For Platelets Day:
Wear purple to remind others that Prince died tragically, but his music will live on. Wait. Sorry. Wear purple to remind others of the horror of Immune Thrombocytopenia. Because, like most of us, when we think purple, we think Immune Thrombocytopenia and associated platelet disorders.
January is National Folic Acid Awareness Month:
Write an essay about a personal experience that you have had with this important acid. What did it mean for you? How were you changed by it? Explain.
June is Congenital Cytomegalovirus Awareness Month:
Think about how horrible something called Congenital Cytomegalovirus must be. Now, using the letters in “Congenital Cytomegalovirus” see what other horrible diseases and symptoms you can make.
lice (perfect for September, which is head-lice prevention month)
As you can see, the HHS Dread Disease Calendar is already pretty well loaded up. And we have not even mentioned the special days to honor Bleeding Disorders, Preeclampsia, Whole Grains, Native American AIDS, Contact Lens Health (truly, there is nothing sadder than a suffering Contact Lens), Scleroderma, Rip Currents, Cataracts, Sexual Health, Kidneys, Cheerleader Safety, and much, much more.
Yet we feel the HHS Calendar is still missng important observances we would like to propose. Which is why we urge you to:
Break The Gridlock in Washington Now!
Write To Your Senator To Add The Following Observances to the Official United States Ghastly Disease Calendar:
June 23 – Baldness Awareness Day
Observance: Many men go bald. Look around and point out all of the bald men you see.
April 14-20 – Post-Nasal Drip Week
Observance: Wear a green mask over your nose to raise awareness of this affliction. Go green! The official color of Post-Nasal Drip!
February – Asteroid Impact Awareness Month
Observance: A huge asteroid could destroy all life on earth with almost no warning, and there is nothing any of us can do about it. Write an essay about how this makes you feel.
December – National Testicular Itch Awareness Month
It is time we recognized the Heartbreak of Testicular Itch (TI). While scratching may provide some relief, there is no known cure. Yet with increased funding and research, at long last, there is hope.
Get involved! Consider sponsoring an event, such as a Testicular Itch-themed bingo night or lemonade stand. Sign a petition. Above all, talk about your experiences! Help spread the word about TI! Remember: if you feel something, say something.