Move over T. rex. There’s a new reptilian monster to inhabit your nightmares. The Trumplandia Review introduces you to:
In this issue: Trump Touts Energy For the Future: Clean Blubber
Nantucket, MA – After focusing for months on bringing back the Golden Age of Coal Mining, Donald Trump announced a brand new initiative. “What’s happened to Nantucket whaling is a disgrace!” he declared at a sparsely attended rally on the posh island off of Cape Cod. “Completely destroyed by over-regulation. Terrible. The people of Nantucket just want their whaling jobs back.Well, we’re going to bring whaling back to Nantucket with clean blubber.”
Later, at a stop in Dearborn, Michigan, Trump turned his attention to another beleaguered industry. “We’re going to put our Icemen back to work!” he declared. “A whole industry, completely gone! How come nobody’s talking about Ice? I’m the only one talking about it. Canada has a totally unfair advantage by the way.”
Nunes Briefs President on Top Secret Crowd-size Photo
Washington D.C. – In an unrelated development, House Intelligence Committee Lead Devin Nunes returned breathless from a secret meeting somewhere in the nation’s capital and declared, “I have just seen a photograph showing that President Trump’s inauguration crowd size may actually have been larger than Obama’s. I’m headed to an emergency session to brief the president.”
Asked by the press to see a copy of the photograph, Nunes explained, “I do not have a copy of it. I witnessed it in a secure location with all the proper clearances. What I saw was troubling. This needs to be fully investigated.”
And From our Real News Division:
Here in the former United States, the real and the surreal are not so easily to distinguished, even for Whitehouse Press Secretary Sean Spicer. Last week he declared that the idea that Congressman Nunes would actually get handed information from the White House itself, and then tell the press he’d just received information validating the president’s tweets, pretend it was from a secret source, and then pretend that he needed to go brief the president on this information that the White House itself had just given him – well, that would be absurd! “Doesn’t pass the smell test,” Spicer declared. I mean seriously, what completely batshit-crazy third-rate banana-republic ass-clowns would do something like that? Oh, wait. Yeah. Correction. That’s what happened.
Seriously, next we might as well get someone from Trump’s transition team to lead the house investigation into Trump! Oh wait. That’s real too. Holy crap.
Dear Leader has just made it legal for Internet Service Providers to sell their customers’ web-browsing histories. Do you see what this means? The forgotten people our Hero President spoke of so poignantly are forgotten no more. Now, their every click will be recorded for all eternity! Well, just for the record Comcast, all those searches about a third nipple were about my neighbor’s cat!
Michael Flynn has offered to testify in exchange for immunity, and according to his lawyer, “he has a story to tell.” Our opinion: Michael Flynn should be granted immunity for any photographic essay involving Russian prostitutes.
Trump Deregulation Advisor Carl Icahn has found a great way to drive up the stock price of CVR, his oil refinery company: Change the regulations to favor his own company. So simple! This savvy move will net the oligarch $200 million per year. One thing that must be conceded: with the Trump Administration, charity truly begins at home.
(Thanks to Lead Reporter Mrs. Rotting Post for this item).
The president is making a last-ditch effort to repeal Obamacare, by appealing to the Freedom Caucus’s sense of decency: Something must be done, or the tragedy of thirty million unworthy losers receiving healthcare will continue!
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