US Has Make-up Sex with China
It was another amazing week here in the magical kingdom of Trumplandia – where all your dreams become fake-facts.
After months of sniping and arguing and threats, the United States finally invited China to Mar-a-Lago and it was soooooooo beautiful. They really, truly listened to each other, just totally opened up and understood each other, and then they had the most romantic foreign relations, and afterward they stayed up late talking about North Korea, and then the next morning – this part is so beautiful – China approved Ivanka’s trademarks so she can sell her products there, and guess what? China isn’t a currency manipulator after all!!! I always tear up at happy endings like that.
Okay, it was a bit awkward afterward when South Korea caught the US and China going at it, and the Gilded One declared, after his night of passion, that Korea had once been part of China, and South Korea pointed out that that wasn’t true at all, that the US was lying, and they felt hurt because they thought they had meant something to the United States. But hey, South Korea, we never said it was, like, exclusive. Geez!
Will the US Attack Pearl Harbor?
Meanwhile another rift developed with another key Pacific ally, Hawaii. This started when a Hawaiian judge blocked the Muslim travel ban, causing Attorney General Jeff Sessions to comment that he was amazed that a judge from “an island in the Pacific” could stop an executive order by an American president!
Incredible trivia fact to wow your friends with: Hawaii is actually part of the United States!
Well, hopefully our new ally China can help us make peace with Hawaii, since they’re both out there in the Pacific somewhere.
Stuff Happens With Some Unimportant Countries
Next it was on to a joint press conference with Italian Prime Minister Gentiloni where Dear Leader declared:
Through the ages, your country has been a beacon of artistic and scientific achievement. That continues today. From the Venice to Florence, from Verdi to Pavarotti – a friend of mine, great friend of mine – these bonds of history and culture have only grown stronger.
Yup. Did it again. President Idiot seems unaware that his great friend Pavarotti has been dead for ten years. Thankfully, Pavarotti’s passing hasn’t affected their really close make-believe friendship.
Incredibly, in the very same sentence, Calamity Don managed to mispronounce “Verdi,” to rhyme with “turdy” (which, come to think of it, would be a perfect adjective to describe his plan to eliminate the National Endowment for the Arts, the one organization that might have been able to educate him on who Giuseppe Verdi actually was).
After insulting South Korea, Italy and Hawaii, what more was there to do besides call Canada a disgrace and telephone Turkish strongman Recep Erdogan to congratulate him on his dubious referendum victory that undermined the Turkish constitution. True, Erdogan has purged the country of thousands of political opponents and is destroying Turkish democracy. But disgraceful Canada has actually subsidized its dairy industry! And if there is one thing the United States of America absolutely will not tolerate, it is agricultural subsidies!
And just think of it: Our glorious leader managed to do all of this, cause so much mayhem, at the very same time that our armada was speeding in the wrong direction away from North Korea!
After another truly amazing week, there was nothing to do but host old pals Sarah Palin, Kid Rock and Ted Nugent for a White House dinner. Nugent is of course the colorful, folksy singer who once called President Obama, “a chimpanzee subhuman mongrel.” So it was sure to be a fun-filled evening.
Baked Alaska was served in honor of Sarah Palin. And with Donald and Sarah there together, we assume there was a traditional word salad.
A sign I enjoyed at the March for Science in Boston yesterday:
If you have not yet purchased your copy of my most recent novel, “The Feet Say Run,” I humbly offer you this link. Everyone enjoy your week!