We at The Rotting Post proudly present the following completely real products that we officially guarantee will be used up to one time before landing in the back of your closet. What’s more, they are all available at www.hammacher.com, the place to go for stuff that they sell there.
And remember: If it isn’t Hammacher, it isn’t Schlemmer.
1. Metal Detecting Sandals
I’ve often wondered, “What’s the latest fashion in searching for buried tuna cans and nickels and stuff at the beach? I could really use that extra nickel, but…will I look stylish?”
Well the people at Hammecher Schlemmer have just the solution, with their eye-catching metal-detector sandals. Let’s say that nickel I’m homing in on is buried under a beach blanket with two attractive young women on it. Instead of sweeping over them with my out-of-style metal-detecting rod, and listening for beeps with big my headphones, now I can just hover next to them, emitting a pleasant buzzing noise, while they look up and wonder why I have to wear an ankle monitor. Next I just lean over and say, “Hey there, sugar-donut. Can you slide over? I need to get under you.” In no time at all, I’ll have a real ankle monitor on my other ankle, for free!
$59.95 from Hammacher Schlemmer (that’s just 1799 nickels!).
2. Biofeedback Posture Trainer
This handsome set of straps is designed to give off an alarm whenever you slouch! And – here’s the best part – the grating alarm-sound will not stop until you stop slouching. If you’re like me, you’re probably thinking, “Hey wait a second. Isn’t that what my wife is for?” But what if your wife is unavailable, or is too busy complaining about something else to focus on your posture? Wouldn’t you miss having that constant,annoying buzz in your ear? Well now you don’t have to!
And because the Biofeedback Posture Trainer is cleverly designed to look just like an ordinary bondage-play contraption, you can wear it anywhere and nobody will suspect it’s true purpose!
Don’t buy just one. Why not throw a, “Biofeedback Posture Trainer” Party? It’s sure to be wild, with everyone sitting rigidly upright, backs straight, making fascinating conversation such as, “This is very good for my back.” “Yes it is.” “Oops, I dropped a napkin. I wonder how I will pick it up without bending.” “I do not know.” “Perhaps I will leave it there.” “Good idea.” “Thank you.” “This is a fun party, isn’t it?” “Yes it is.” “Perhaps you can pick up the napkin with your toe.” “But how will I get my shoe off?”
$99.95 from Hammacher Schlemmer
3. Talking Bathroom Scale
Who has not wondered, at some point, “I know I want a talking bathroom scale. But which one should I buy?”
Well, worry no more. As the catalogue says, “This talking bathroom scale was deemed The Best by The Hammacher Schlemmer Institute”. Which raises an important question: There’s a “Hammacher Schlemmer Institute”? It turns out, according to our research, that the Hammacher Schlemmer Institute [God I love that name], “…is a non-profit organization created in 1983 to research, test, and rate consumer products objectively and determine which products are The Best.” That’s beautiful. From this day forward, I wish to be a research fellow at the Hammacher Schlemmer intitute. No longer shall consumers have to suffer with inferior talking bathroom scales, warbling out your weight ineptly, freaking out when you gain a pound, mumbling in a suspicious foreign accent. For we will know which talking bathroom scale is The Best.
$59.95 from Hammacher Schlemmer
Add gift wrap for $6.95 (we are not making this up)
4. Acoustic immersion pod
Have you ever thought to yourself, “I would be so much happier if I had an egg-shaped sound immersion pod to sit in?” Well, your prayers have been answered. Why waste up to $200 on high quality headphones, when for a mere $2,000 you can fully replicate the headphone sound quality, while enjoying all the convenience of sitting upright and facing forward in a fixed location?
Just $2,000.00 from Hammacher Schlemmer
5. Day of the Week Clock
A question many of us face is, “What to get for the stoner who has everything?” He’s already got a mattress, underwear, some old Grateful Dead albums. What else is there? Well, how about a clock that tells you not just the time of day, but the day of the week? This clock features a sharp-looking face to assist in focusing attention, and a third hand that points, helpfully, to the precise, correct day of the week. And it’s battery powered, making it fully mobile. Which means that now, instead of hearing, “Yo, is today Tuesday?” you can hear, “Yo, don’t I have a clock somewhere that has the day on it?”
$49.95 from Hammacher Schlemmer