As we look back on our young Dystopia, Week Six will always have a special place in our hearts.
For it was in week six that our Ferret-headed Hero read aloud from a teleprompter, and his words formed into sentences, and the sentences had actual meanings, and the pundits cried, “Hallelujah!!!” and the speech was officially declared, “Presidential,” and the meanings were alternative facts, lies, cascades of lies, seas of lies, but it didn’t matter, because he was Presidential, and CNN cried, “Hooray,” and all rose as one, in humble tribute to our leader.
His speechwriters even had him read this exquisite opening line, ““I am here tonight to deliver a message of unity and strength, and it is a message deeply delivered from my heart.”
Okay, so technically, “a message deeply delivered” doesn’t mean anything, unless it is referring to Trump shifting into a baritone, and technically he has no heart, and technically he’s a lying jackass. But…Glory Hallelujah, Ladies and Gentlemen.
OUR PRESIDENT CAN READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And truly, who among us was not inspired by his unifying call to highlight the crimes of undocumented immigrants? Can we not all at least agree to scapegoat this one, defenseless minority? Yes, perhaps it’s more, “Fascist Dictatorial” than, “Presidential”. But aren’t they really becoming one and the same?
Days later, our president’s heartfelt plea for unity continued with this deeply delivered tweet:
So, our president is a mentally deranged paranoid. Stop being so judgmental! He can read!
What is the basis for this claim, you ask? Did our Dear Leader glimpse a black man in Trump Tower and assume it was Obama tapping his phone? We in the extremely dishonest media can only speculate.
Of course, a lot has happened this week besides Donald Delivering Deeply.
Steve Bannon explained the Three Pillars of the Glorious Trumplandia Revolution:
- Economic Nationalism
- The Deconstruction of the Administrative State
- The War on Personal Hygiene
On Tuesday, President Trump declared, “Nobody knew that healthcare could be so complicated!” Holy crap. We found literally the only person in the entire country who did not understand that healthcare was complicated, and elected him president.
Meanwhile, it turns out the Russian Ambassador had a hospitality suite at the Republican Convention. That’s normal, right? And it turns out pretty much the entire Trump campaign staff was busy meeting with him in secret to discuss the weather. And also it turns out that the private plane of Russian Oligarch and Putin pal Dmitry Rybolovlev kept winding up at the same airport as Trump’s plane, on the same day – including at the airport in that favorite jetsetter destination, Concord, North Carolina That’s definitely normal, or at least alternative-normal.
At long last, Republican Darryl Issa courageously called for a Special Prosecutor to investigate the strange connections between the Russian Bear and the American Ferret – and two days later, courageously clarified that, come to think of it, the prosecutor doesn’t have to be that special. How about just someone high up in the Trump administration? What could go wrong with that? Or maybe Russia could lend us a prosecutor? As Issa – who is not even a professional comedian – explained, “A special prosecutor exists when you have an individual under suspicion. Currently we don’t have that.”
The non-investigations raced forward on other fronts as well, as the Republicans, those Intrepid Warriors for Truth, voted 229 to 0 to not see Donald Trump’s tax returns, with two heroic Republicans voting “present”.
Finally, this week, the president officially graded his presidency, and gave it an “A”. Of course, that’s just the overall GPA. We at the @Failing Trumplandia Review (GPA: 0.2) have obtained a secret copy President Trump’s complete, Long-form Report Card:
If you have not yet read my tour-de-force novel, “The Feet Say Run,” (I grade it an A+++ times infinity), click here immediately! Hurry hurry hurry. Operators are standing by*
*not based on a fact.