TED CRUZ CHOOSES CARLY FIORINA AS HIS LOSING MATE

In an unprecedented move, Republican candidate Ted Cruz, although mathematically eliminated, has chosen a running mate to lose with – the former candidate Carly Fiorina.  “Carly has already lost once,” Cruz stated at the announcement.  “She clearly has shown that she knows how to lose.  She has the experience.   That’s exactly what we need on our team now.”  The move was widely seen as a tactic to bring Fiorina’s follower(s) into the Cruz camp.

Following Cruz’s surprise announcement, other losing candidates quickly followed suit.  Marco Rubio declared, “I too have decided on a losing mate.  Today, I am proud to announce that I will lose with Chuck Grassley, my good friend and the Republican Senator from Iowa.”   And shortly after, Jeb Bush and Lindsey Graham sought out one another as losing mates, explaining that Jeb will lose as presidential candidate, and Graham will lose the vice presidency.

And in yet another development, Martin O’Malley on the Democratic side said he was, “considering options” for who he would lose with.

Cruz’s move comes shortly after reaching a historic pact with primary foe John Kasich, whereby they agreed to alternate who would lose in which state.

It was unclear if Kasich would also choose a losing mate, although in what many consider yet another effort to show his gentler side,  Kasich has begun campaigning with his childhood Teddy Bear, Mupples, fueling speculation.

“You know what I learned from Mupples?” Kasich said at a recent rally.  “Independence.  He never asked for a hand-out.   Never complained.  Washington could learn a lot from Mupples.”

Meanwhile, front-runner Donald Trump declared Cruz’s choice of Fiorina “pathetic” and stated that Mupples was made in Mexico.  Trump went on to say that when he became president he would, “love to grab Mupples by the throat and shove him down a dispose-all”.