This Exposé is Going to Shake Wall Street to its Foundations

As you might expect, I receive lots of fan emails.  Many read like this one:

Dear Rotting Doofus,
What the hell do you actually do?  I mean, besides your pathetic, stupid blog?

Dear Admirer,
Thank you for asking.  This post is for you!

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The truth is, I have spent many years working for very large Wall Street companies.  I have worked at the heart of the nerve-center of capitalism’s lifeblood.  I have labored in its lower intestine.  It is time for my searing expose.

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As a mid-level manager, I had three primary responsibilities:

1) Delete Emails

Each day, the company generated way too many emails.  When I came in in the morning, it was my responsibility to delete the emails that came to my particular inbox, assigned to me for deletion

2) Complete Diversity Training

Completing this online course was my second most important function.   It came with a little test at the end, and you need to score 8 out of 10 or better to pass.  Diversity training was not exactly Quantum Physics.  Here is a typical question:

John’s Client Service Team consists of six males and no females.  What should John do when evaluating new hires?

a) If two candidates are equally qualified, John should consider choosing the female candidate.
b) John should hire any female he can, regardless of qualifications
c) John should have his male employees draw lots, and whoever loses should be required to have a sex-change operation
d) John should hire a physically attractive female to improve retention of his all-male staff.

3) Attend Meetings

This was my third area of responsibility.  These generally began with us going around the table, one by one, and introducing ourselves.

“I’m Josh Taylor.  I’ve been with GinormoCorp for Seven Years and I’m a Product Director with our High Speed MoneyVac application that sucks in money from all corners of the universe.”

“And I’m Wellesley Weston.  I’m part of the evaluation committee, ensuring all buzzwords are used with proper frequency.”

“I’m Rottington Post.  I’ve been at GinormoCorp for two years and I delete emails for the Asset Servicing division.”

Then we would have a discussion, agree to continue the discussion, agree about what a productive meeting it was, shake hands, and forget the whole thing ever happened.

What is it that I have uncovered?

  1. Wall Street is Awash in Acronyms

My official title at GinormoCorp was Executive Director, which we all referred to conveniently as “ED”.   I am the only one who is aware that ED also stands for Erectile Dysfunction?  And of course most of us EDs just happen to be middle-aged men.   Still, I was proud of my ED.  Some men never achieve ED.  Whereas I had it by age 45!

Question:  What does “TP” mean to you?   Shortly after my arrivial at GinormoCorp I received an urgent text message from the woman who headed up our division.  The message read, “Make sure Jack and Steve are at the meeting.  And I need TP!!!”   What the hell?!!!  Did she just send this from the women’s bathroom?  Was she expecting me to fetch her a roll?   It turned out that TP meant “telepresence.”  Closed circuit video.  For the meeting.  Of course!

  1. Technology teams are really into technology.

A lot of what they produce doesn’t actually do anything.   But it definitely contains amazing technology.   I used to imagine what it would be like if a Wall Street Technology Team were instead put in charge of Property and Supplies.

“Hi.  Is this Supplies?”
“It is.”
“I need a new chair.  My old chair broke.”
“We’re pretty busy at the moment.   But we’ll be happy to review your requirements and put together an estimate.”
“Requirements?  An estimate?  I just want a chair.  Just like the old one.”
“Well, the old one was really old technology.”
“But I don’t care about the technology.  It just need something to sit on.”
“But it was still using chair legs.  That’s against our new standards.”
“New standards???   What’s wrong with chair legs?”
“The new chairs will levitate off the floor, hovering above a layer of compressed air.”
“What?????  I just need a chair!  I don’t want to hover over the floor.  What will this cost?”
“We’ll need to study your requirements.”
“My what??  I just need to sit!”
“You need to put that in a written Business Requirement Document.”
“You really want me to write, ‘I need to sit’?”
“If that’s your requirement.”

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As you can see, it’s really great here in capitalism’s lower GI tract, and a terrific place to witness all that trickle-down economics first-hand.

Time to go delete some emails!

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24 COMMENTS

        • I wish! as i mentioned in another comment, i really would love to write a long, serious piece on this. I’ve worked with same great people and of course, some incredible jerks. obviously it’s a huge oversimplification to see a huge company as a monolithic evil. at the same time, there are vast inefficiencies as well as a system that has persuaded the world of its unique skill and importance, so that people funnel vast sums into this huge machine with little question. there was an old joke about lawyers: “This town isn’t big enough for a lawyer. But it’s big enough for two lawyers.” Meaning, of course, they create opportunities for each other. Of course, this is also so of investment banks. And like in the legal field, they have created an aura of expertise and necessity. why do people pay vast fees to hedge fund managers who routinely underperform? it never ceases to amaze me. as to screwing the little guy – that is a whole separate set of issues. the system clearly favors those who are already rich. but that is so clearly true of society in general, and yet those who are literally the exact demographic most severely screwed – the working poor – continue to vote to perpetuate it.

  1. Well done! *****/**** Meanwhile your journalist colleagues uptown or wherever is NYT Mob’s lair are accusing RT of responsibility for Trump’s election (too much credit and “doth protest too much” IMO) and for whitewashing Putin.

  2. Are you sure you didn’t secretly work for state/county/local/federal government? Because, my God, it’s like you were in on EVERY SINGLE MEETING/E-MAIL I ever experienced as a bureaucrat. Oh wait, I still am one. (snicker) This was as accurate a description of mid-level management as I’ve ever heard. God love you, no wonder you became a blogger and writer. And who called you a doofus? It’s King Rottingkins Doofus to you, sir!

        • well, i do have a couple of more posts worth of humor. But a serious critique of inefficiencies in the financial sector, and of its strangely disproportionate role in the overall economy – considering how rapidly it has grown compared to other economic sectors – is actually something i’ve thought a fair amount about. Not that others haven’t. But…I feel like I’ve lived it.

  3. hey, thanks. this is off-topic, but i have some issues with the coverage by the times. particularly the gigantic font for the hillary email headlines, not used for any other story, that basically alerted the sheep in the rest of the media that this was the ‘huge’ story.

  4. Am about to retire from an academic institution (that shall remain nameless until I really AM retired) where I also have a D in my administrative title. Amazingly, my top three duties are exactly the same as your three primary duties. Hmmm…!

  5. How do you expect us to take an email expose in the least bit seriously when IT NEVER ONCE MENTIONS THE RUSSIANS!!! Personally I don’t give a damn if they got our political stuff. I have to know if they got our @$%^&*# MONEY!!

  6. As you can see Gravatar is being nice to me. I loved this because I am reading and deleting over 1000 e-mails ,because I am too politically motivated in too many directions since the fascism started.I laughed . I needed that. Thank you!

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