Planning Your Visit To Mar-a-Lago: What’s With the Tiny Hand Towels?

If you think a visit to Mar-a-Lago is just about getting away from poor people, think again!  We sent our top reporter (who’s not that all great, unfortunately) to investigate.  This is our report.

Activities:

Mar-a-Lago features many exciting activities, such as bridge, croquet, strolling and wearing things.

You can get croquet lessons from a professional for only $70 per hour.  We are not making this up!  I really do wanna improve my croquet game so I can impress the ladies.  Only…there’s a such thing as a “croquet professional”?   Seriously?  How much do you make, per year, on the Professional Croquet Tournament circuit?

Anyway, the point is, it is extremely unfair to think of everyone at Mar-a-Lago as the idle rich.  They’re playing croquet! Geez!

The Arts:

Mar-a-Lago features many hideous paintings depicting world-famous douchebag Donald Trump, such as this one:

Shopping:

And have you ever thought to yourself, “Why can’t someone make a shirt that’s  uncomfortable, ugly and ostentatiously expensive?” Well, look no farther.  The Mar-a-Lago boutique sells, “tee shirts encrusted with Swarovski crystals.” Perfect for your blissful weeks of strolling and croquet! 

What’s more, it also sells, “plush Frette bathrobes,” which are prestigious, because they contain the word, “Frette” in them, which might be French for something.

And don’t miss those extremely rare collector’s items from Donald Trump’s failed line of bottled water!

Urine Aroma:

After touring the Mar-a-Lago website we went to the Yelp reviews, where the resort earned an impressive two out of five stars.  The most common complaints were the bad food and the men’s bathrooms smelling of urine.

Okay, to be fair, rich old men don’t all have perfect aim.

Suggestion: Mar-a-Lago should hire a professional to give lessons for $70 per hour.  What fun!  And then they can add an item to their “Activities” menu.

History:

History abounds at Mar-a-Lago. As you savor the pungent pee aroma, consider what great luminary may have marked his territory by leaving his scent, and consider the great sweep of history:  You are staying at very resort where President Donald J Trump forced his tongue down the throat of People Reporter Natasha Stoynoff!  Take a deep breath and glory in all that history!

Becoming a Member: 

At last it was time to go back to Website and sign up for our $200,000 membership.   We clicked on the ‘Become a Member” link:

Where we received the following incredible, but actual message:

“Runtime Error:
Description: An exception occurred while processing your request. Additionally, another exception occurred while executing the custom error page for the first exception. The request has been terminated.”

Here it is:

Isn’t that a perfect metaphor for the entire Trump administration?   They can’t even say, “We’re completely incompetent,” without screwing it up!