Stephen Hawking Is A Stupid Jerk

Time-travelling GOP Cyborgs Fact-Check the Future

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When would you go back to if you could time travel?   The Golden Age of Greece?  The Court of Louis XIV?  The Woodstock years?

Personally, I would go back to 2013 to warn about Windows 8.   “I am from the future, ye ancient people of 2013” I would declare.  “Wait for Windows 10, I tell you!  The ‘Start’ button in the lower left is going to come back!”

Now, there are some Nellie-Naysayers out there who don’t believe in time-travel.  And yes, I’m talking about you Stephen Hawking!  Hawking famously once asked, “If time travel is possible, where are the tourists from the future?”

Well, needless to say, we at The Rotting Post have got a few issues with this.  First of all, what the hell does he know?  Total lightweight!  Second of all, you may be interested to know that Mrs. Rotting Post happens to be from the future.  For example, before I can even speak, she’ll say something like, “Don’t even say it.”  And I’ll say, “Don’t say what?” and she’ll say, “You’re going to say something stupid that you think is really funny, but it’s not. I can tell.” How can she possibly tell I’m going to say something not funny, unless she’s from the future?

Still not persuaded?  Well, just consider this completely real Facebook post (that is quite possibly the most wonderful thing I have ever read) from someone named Laura:

facebook-laura

OK, who are you going to believe?  Some so-called “genius physicist” named Stephen Hawking?  Or Facebook Laura?   Facebook Laura, obviously!  Like, Duh!!!  Why?  Because she’s one of us.  She tells it like it is.  Oh and by the way Mr. Elitist Stephen Hawking Jerkface, I read your, “A Brief History of Time,” and I have one thing to say to you:  THAT’S SUCH BULLSHIT FUCK YOU STEPHEN HAWKING TIME TRAVEL IS TOO POSSIBLE!!!!!! xxxxxxx

Still need more convincing?  Well, Facebook Laura and I (I love you, Facebook Laura) would like to direct your attention to the Vice-Presidential Debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine.   Did you know that more than an hour before the vice-presidential debate started, the official Republican Party website already knew that Mike Pence had won?

It’s true:  Here is what was on the GOP website ninety minutes before the debate had started:

“Americans from all across the country tuned in to watch the one and only Vice Presidential debate…The consensus was clear after the dust settled, Mike Pence was the clear winner of the debate.”

They also knew, amazingly, that Pence’s top moments had been, “highlighting Hillary’s scandals,” and “The Economy”. gop-future

Do you see what this means, fellow humans?  Do you see the incredible implications?   Not only is time-travel real, the RNC is run by time-travelling Cyborgs from the Future!   I normally don’t freak out over stuff like this.  I have a great temperament.  (Not like Stupid Stephen Hawking).   But do you see the implications?  That means the RNC knew Windows 8 would suck and they didn’t warn us!

The GOP website also posted the following, 90 minutes before the debate had started:

During the debate we helped fact check and monitor the conversation in real time @GOP.”

Thanks for the fact-checking the future for us, GOP!  From now on, I’m turning to you for all my fact-checking of stuff that hasn’t actually happened.

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Finally, Facebook Laura, whoever-you-are, I have two things to say to you:

  1. Will you marry me?  Mrs. Post will be cool with it.  I can just tell.
  2. I have the perfect job for you: join the GOP fact-checking-future-events team.

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So what do you think?  Is time Travel Possible?  What Time Would You Go Back To?  Why?  I Don’t know.  Wait.  Who asked that?  Comments will have been posted three weeks ago.

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24 COMMENTS

  1. I think Facebook Laura may be overqualified to work for the GOP. As far as being one of your wifely harem, she’s likely way underqualified. 😉 As usual, I snickered long and hard after reading your post. Fricking Stephen Hawking! What the hell does he know anyway! Next they’ll be asking HIM to track the GOP in real time or some stupid-ass thing like that. Sheesh!

    • If time travel is possible have someone go back and visit your mother and tell her about abortion maybe the world woyld have one less idiot and I don’t mean mr. Hawkins.

      • Do yourself a favor, Old Salt. Get a sense of humor, and invest in a dictionary and some grammar and punctuation lessons before spouting anymore idiotic comments. Moron.

        • thanks. i don’t get trolled too often. last time was when i made fun of the song, ‘happy together’. apparently, some get quite passionate about that song. who woulda thunk?

      • so hang on a sec. does this mean you didn’t find it funny?
        by the way, his name is Hawking, not Hawkins. Extremely famous. Find a non-idiot and ask, and I’m sure the non-idiot will have heard of him.

      • I do mean Stephen Hawking he’s a fucking atheist idiot. He doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. Not only is he physically crippled he’s mentally crippled. Anyone who would listen to this stupid persons shit is definitely fucked in the head.

    • thanks. glad you enjoyed. as for facebook laura, i think her qualifications depend on what one is looking for. she seems to have quite a following…not necessarily based on her deep understanding of physics 🙂

  2. Damn you for being so funny! Now I have to go into work with a smile on my face, thus putting my reputation as a bitch in peril!

  3. OMG do you realize?? We will now be able to practice serial monogamy ENTIRELY RISK FREE! No longer need there be any nasty overlap period, during which unfortunate encounters in restaurants can lead to thrown glasses of wine, etc. No, just move a couple of decades forward and take another swing! I imagine after a few hops this might create some issues with understanding dating conventions; Lord knows who will be expected to treat after everyone has a Visa chip implant. And if the body mod culture continues to develop at its current pace one may find that key reproductive parts no longer have the same fit or function. But overall I have to believe this is a great development for those of us whose romantic half-life is of limited duration. And assembling a harem? Never easier, and no petty hierarchical conflicts to spoil the experience. Facebook Laura deserves at least a Nobel for this one, if not sainthood.

    • too funny :). you should turn this into a sci-fi piece! consider this my prior written approval. seems there’s a lot more interest in the sexual possibilities of time travel than in merely avoiding a bad version of Windows 🙂

  4. I did not escape Windows 8. I do have a winning temperament, however, and did not buy an Apple. Yet. I’m going to se how they do in 2020 and buy one tomorrow.

    • i have to admit, my excellent temperament was severely tested by Windows 8. still, i have microsoft in my brain and Apples drive me just as nuts. when you come back from 2020, also please let me know if i everything is still gluten-free!

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