Time-travelling GOP Cyborgs Fact-Check the Future
When would you go back to if you could time travel? The Golden Age of Greece? The Court of Louis XIV? The Woodstock years?
Personally, I would go back to 2013 to warn about Windows 8. “I am from the future, ye ancient people of 2013” I would declare. “Wait for Windows 10, I tell you! The ‘Start’ button in the lower left is going to come back!”
Now, there are some Nellie-Naysayers out there who don’t believe in time-travel. And yes, I’m talking about you Stephen Hawking! Hawking famously once asked, “If time travel is possible, where are the tourists from the future?”
Well, needless to say, we at The Rotting Post have got a few issues with this. First of all, what the hell does he know? Total lightweight! Second of all, you may be interested to know that Mrs. Rotting Post happens to be from the future. For example, before I can even speak, she’ll say something like, “Don’t even say it.” And I’ll say, “Don’t say what?” and she’ll say, “You’re going to say something stupid that you think is really funny, but it’s not. I can tell.” How can she possibly tell I’m going to say something not funny, unless she’s from the future?
Still not persuaded? Well, just consider this completely real Facebook post (that is quite possibly the most wonderful thing I have ever read) from someone named Laura:
OK, who are you going to believe? Some so-called “genius physicist” named Stephen Hawking? Or Facebook Laura? Facebook Laura, obviously! Like, Duh!!! Why? Because she’s one of us. She tells it like it is. Oh and by the way Mr. Elitist Stephen Hawking Jerkface, I read your, “A Brief History of Time,” and I have one thing to say to you: THAT’S SUCH BULLSHIT FUCK YOU STEPHEN HAWKING TIME TRAVEL IS TOO POSSIBLE!!!!!! xxxxxxx
Still need more convincing? Well, Facebook Laura and I (I love you, Facebook Laura) would like to direct your attention to the Vice-Presidential Debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine. Did you know that more than an hour before the vice-presidential debate started, the official Republican Party website already knew that Mike Pence had won?
It’s true: Here is what was on the GOP website ninety minutes before the debate had started:
“Americans from all across the country tuned in to watch the one and only Vice Presidential debate…The consensus was clear after the dust settled, Mike Pence was the clear winner of the debate.”
They also knew, amazingly, that Pence’s top moments had been, “highlighting Hillary’s scandals,” and “The Economy”.
Do you see what this means, fellow humans? Do you see the incredible implications? Not only is time-travel real, the RNC is run by time-travelling Cyborgs from the Future! I normally don’t freak out over stuff like this. I have a great temperament. (Not like Stupid Stephen Hawking). But do you see the implications? That means the RNC knew Windows 8 would suck and they didn’t warn us!
The GOP website also posted the following, 90 minutes before the debate had started:
“During the debate we helped fact check and monitor the conversation in real time @GOP.”
Thanks for the fact-checking the future for us, GOP! From now on, I’m turning to you for all my fact-checking of stuff that hasn’t actually happened.
Finally, Facebook Laura, whoever-you-are, I have two things to say to you:
- Will you marry me? Mrs. Post will be cool with it. I can just tell.
- I have the perfect job for you: join the GOP fact-checking-future-events team.
So what do you think? Is time Travel Possible? What Time Would You Go Back To? Why? I Don’t know. Wait. Who asked that? Comments will have been posted three weeks ago.