Dystopia – February 5, 2017.
It’s time for the first issue of The Trumplandia Week In Review.
It’s been a jam-packed week, and we cannot possibly cover all the greatnesses that have happened in the glorious republic of Trumplandia (formerly the United States) in this its first full week. But here are a few memories for us all to cherish:
In this issue: Black History Month, Insulting Mexico, A Prayer For TV Ratings, Guns for the Mentally Ill, and Much Much More!!
Donald Trump’s Busiest Week Ever begins with his bigly honoring of Frederick Douglass: “Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more I notice.” Ummm…uhhhh….how can a single sentence be idiotic in so many different ways? It’s actually kind of impressive. “He’s done an amazing job”? Doesn’t Trumpy mean, “he did an amazing job”? By the second time you read it, it’s pretty clear: our president actually has no idea who the fuck Frederick Douglass is, whether he’s alive or dead, or why he’s being told by his advisers to say something about this guy. But let’s look at the positive: Donald Trump notices that Douglass is being recognized! When someone hands him a piece of paper that says, “Frederick Douglass is being recognized,” Donald Trump notices that there is a piece of paper in front of him.
Next it was time for the president to insult Mexico. And it’s about time! We had gone far too long since we last disparaged Mexico and it was good to see the president back in form, telling the Mexican President Enrique Nieto he was going to send the U.S. army in to take care of their “bad hombres”. No doubt the bad hombres will be wearing black bandannas over their mouths so they can be easily identified.
The greatnesses continued with the National Prayer Breakfast, where President Tiny McCrowdsize took time away from insulting foreign countries to prostrate him in humility before the Almighty with these stirring words, “They hired a big, big movie star, Arnold Schwarzenegger, to take my place, and we know how that turned out.” He then called upon all present to, “Just pray for Arnold … for those ratings.” After this moving tribute, I too have set aside all unimportant, worldly concerns to pray that Nick Viall choses Brittany on The Bachelor.
On the fourth day, Lord Donald looked at all that he had done, and saw that it was absolutely incredible. And he said, yea, I hath bred chaos and hatred, I hath spread blindness and ignorance, but my work is not yet done.
Then it was off to insult the Prime Minister of Australia. This happened in a tense phone call that ended with Dear Leader hanging up on the Australian PM after telling him that it had been, “the worst phone call of the day.” Press secretary Sean Spicer later claimed the conversation with Prime Minister Trumble had been cordial. Unfortunately, the Australian Prime Minister’s name is not Trumble. It’s Turnbull. But hey, what’s one more parting insult among former allies?
Meanwhile, we finally got a peek at the plans for our new economy in the president’s speech to the CIA: Steal Iraq’s oil! This is an excellent plan but in our view does not go nearly far enough. Lots of countries have oil. I say we steal Canada’s oil. It’s right next door. Plus it’s Canada! What are they going to do about it? Send the dreaded Canadian bad hombres? This will be the U.S. army against a couple of hockey teams. Enough of Canada looking down on us from up there!
Truly Great Nations Pollute The Living Crap Out of the Environment. In Trumplandia we understand this. That’s why our leader signed the urgent order allowing coal mines to dump their byproducts in streams. We at the Trumplandia Review are so excited, we are personally going to celebrate by dumping our garbage in the street.
The greatnesses continued with the appointment of hideous ogre Steve Bannon to head the NSC. This Great American not only wears a wife-beater, he really is an actual wife beater!
And thanks also to President Bigly, our national tragedy of mentally ill people being unable to buy firearms will soon be over.
Speaking of non-existent tragedies, there is none seared into our consciousness more powerfully than the Bowling Green Massacre. Kellyanne Conway, head of the Department for the Bureau of Alternative Facts, made reference to the Bowling Green Massacre in an interview with MSNBC’s Chris Matthews. In this horrific non-event, innocent Americans were not slaughtered by Muslim extremists in Bowling Green, Kentucky on August 9, 2013. Yes, it didn’t happen. But I, for one, still feel it is imperative that we Remember the Lessons of Bowling Green! Are we really going to tolerate this outrage? Time to invade Iraq again. It’s been over a decade. What are we waiting for?
…And on the seventh day, after six magnificent days of Making our Country Great, Lord Donald looked over all that he had done, and saw that it was totally amazing, absolutely unbelievable, and headed off to Mar-a-Lago.
From the march in Boston January 21. Let’s keep it up!