In This Issue:
The Best Words! The Best Spellings! Plus: The President Gets Debriefed. We Have the Shocking Pictures!
It’s been another news-filled week in the former United States, and the @failing Trumplandia Review is here for another weekly round-up.
It all kicked off with Bill O’Reilly asking President Trump, a so-called “person”, why he supported Putin, given that the Russian Regime are killers. El Presidente brought his usual penetrating analysis, full of deep insight and a careful weighing of all sides of the issue: “You got a lot of killers,” he replied. “You think our country is so innocent?” So brilliant! When Donald Trump says he’s got the best words, he isn’t kidding! And we’re not just talking about, “bigly”. Or even, “pussy”. He’s also got, “got”! I wish I had a word as good as “got”! Plus he doesn’t just have the best words. He’s got the best morals! Like, killing your political enemies is fine. Who knew? Democracy is so passe. The rest of us are just stuck in our old, “United States” way of thinking. We’re in Trumplandia now!
On Tuesday, Cruella DeVos was confirmed as Education Secretary, after assuring America that she will keep our schoolchildren safe from classrom grizzly bear attacks. We at The Review demand an immediate ban on Grizzly Bears and and extreme vetting of the very dishonest Brown Bears.
By Wednesday, so-called President Tiny McCrowdsize (so-called because we really like calling him that) issued this important policy tweet: “My daughter’s been treated so unfairly by Nordstrom…Terrible!” Wicked Witch of the West Wing Kellyanne Conway followed it by urging Americans to go out and buy, buy, buy Ivanka’s products!
Melania meanwhile filed a defamation lawsuit, arguing that a Daily Mail article damaged her, “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity… to launch a broad-based commercial brand in multiple product categories, each of which could have garnered multi-million dollar business relationships…” Can you imagine? She could have made millions marketing herself as First Lady, and The Daily Mail ruined it! Terrible.
Still, there’s gotta be ways to make some money off this whole Leader-Of-The-Free-world thing. Infomercials for a new line of “Old Spicer” anti-perspirant? What about a reality TV show, based on the actual goings on inside the White House? Like, “The Kardashians,” only not quite so highbrow.
Also this week, the @failing New York Times reported that (a) Trump was not fully debriefed about what he was signing when he made Bannon head of the NSC, and (b) he watches TV in his bathrobe. A furious Sean Spicer flatly denied the bathrobe story: “I don’t think the president owns a bathrobe. He definitely doesn’t wear one.” Just wondering. How does Sean Spicer know for certain that Donald Trump never wears a bathrobe? And, umm, was our president not even wearing a bathrobe when he was debriefed? Not sure we want to think about that one too hard. At least he wasn’t fully debriefed.
By Thursday rumors were swirling that Sarah Palin would be appointed Ambassador to Canada, and fears were on the rise that the Canadians would regard this as an act of war. Our Opinion: Sarah Palin for Ambassador to Nordstrom.
Finally, we’ve learned that not only does our so-called president have the best words, he’s also got the best spellings! Like “unpresidented”, which showed up in a tweet about China on December 17. And “dummer”. Which debuted in a tweet calling Rosie O’Donnell, “one of the dummer people on television.” Well…one of. During the campaign he tweeted that Hillary Clinton was a “lose cannon.” And this week, his team published a list of 78 under-reported terrorist attacks that spelled “attackers” as “attakers” over 20 times. Denmark was Denmakr, San Bernardino was San Bernadino. One thing is clear: the dangerous and unpresidented attak on the English Language is outrageously underreported!
Then there was this important tweet from Inauguration Weekend:
“I am honered to serve you, the great American People, as your 45th President of the United States!”
And we, at The Trumplandia Review, are honered to make fun of you.
My alter-ego, the serious artiste, was interviewed in Pscyhology Today this week about my novel, “The Feet Say Run.” If you have not yet read this book, give it a whirl!
Here is the interview. (This is by far the most amazing literary interview in history. So much more interesting than @loser Norman Mailer and @lightweight Ernest Hemingway and @boring William Faulkner. So overrated. Sad.)