Can you believe these lying media types who say the White House is careening out of control? Has it not pivoted extremely nimbly from, “Horrible” to, “Extremely Horrible”? I bet you barely even noticed the change!
This week the highlight was Donald the Great’s first (and possibly last) cabinet meeting, where he paid tribute to himself before all of his most beloved toadies, and then graciously allowed each and every one of them to worship him! Fortunately, artists were on hand to capture the historic scene:
The Emperor led off the proceedings, honoring himself with these noble words: “Never has there been a president….with few exceptions…who’s passed more legislation, who’s done more things than I have.” (Actually, forty-four exceptions to be precise.)
Consul Reince Priebus declared (and yes, amazingly, these are actual quotes), “We thank you for the opportunity and blessing to serve your agenda.”
Gluteus Maximus Mike Pence paid homage with these words: “It is just the greatest privilege of my life to serve…the President who’s keeping his word to the American people and…bringing real change, real prosperity, real strength back to our nation.”
Senior Sycophant Tom Price exalted, “I can’t thank you enough for the privileges you’ve given me and the leadership that you’ve shown.”
Imperial Ass-kiss Steve Mnuchin declared, “It was a great honor traveling with you around the country…and an even greater honor to be here serving on your Cabinet.”
On an on it went, as all twenty-five cabinet members took turns prostrating themselves before His Assholiness.
Opinion: Everyone Loves Me
Inspired by President Ferret’s cabinet meeting, and in the great tradition of Father’s Day, we at The Rotting Post held our own meeting. I generously gave my entire family a chance to praise me.
It all began with own my opening remarks in honor of myself. “I am truly humbled by how amazing I am. I do more things than anyone. I am also an unbelievable husband. I’m getting incredible numbers. Nobody’s seen numbers like these.”
I turned to my son, Rotford Jr., who offered this beautiful tribute. “Your encouraging me to reach for the stars will be an invaluable lesson in my future career as a busboy.”
My daughter spoke next. “I admit it,” she admitted. “I laughed when you said you wanted to write humor. Well…I’m not laughing now.”
“Thank you,” I said, brimming with pride.
Even our cat, Vincent, spoke up. “You’ve taught me not to scratch up the sofa fabric. I will always be grateful for your wisdom.”
At last it was time for my beloved wife, Mrs. Rotting Post, to offer her thoughts. “I have always been faithful to you,” she declared. “…with a few exceptions.”
I nodded. Such a beautiful moment. She went on. “You have been a truly remarkable husband. I literally cannot wait until you pass on to the next world, so I can post your picture on my Facebook page and talk about what an amazing husband you were.”
“That’s beautiful,” I said.
“It will be,” she agreed.
You see? Everyone loves me.