BREAKING NEWS: NATO Is No Longer Obsolete!
Wow. We sure didn’t see that one coming. This is truly one of the great revelations of the entire Trump presidency, right up there with newly declassified information that shows that healthcare is complicated.
Plus we also learned this week from Captain Obvious that Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad is a bad guy. Who knew that? Did you? I seriously thought he was the love-child of Gandhi and Mother Theresa. Not that they would have a love-child. Unless there’s stuff about Mother Theresa we don’t know.
Anyhow, it’s great to have a leader who keeps us up to the minute with the latest developments. Hopefully, he will inform all of us when he hears of Frederick Douglass’s passing.
Professor Spicer Teaches Us About The Holocaust
It was another bad week for Sean Spicer, who’s been in a slump since three minutes after the inauguration.
Of course, Spicey will always be beloved by his target audience late-night comedians for claiming that, “Even Hitler didn’t stoop to using chemical weapons,” and then explaining that, umm…what he meant was, even Hitler did not use chemical weapons on his own people. Hitler only used them on the Jews. Which isn’t as bad. He used them, “in the Holocaust Center”. That’s not so terrible, right? I mean, isn’t that just a museum or something?
Just how horrible a Press Secretary is Sean Spicer? Even Hitler didn’t stoop to making ridiculous Hitler comparisons!
Trump Shows Off His “Hard Power” (Yes, that’s actually what it’s called when you fire missiles and stuff)
Fortunately for the civilized world, Trump found some really cool toys in his presidential playchest. In retaliation for Assad’s use of the very evil poison gas, Sarin, we fired 59 morally upstanding missiles at an airfield in Syria.
Since sorting out Evil weapons from Noble Weapons can get pretty confusing, we’ve created this helpful table:
Understandably, the press got really excited by the president’s really cool toys. CNN’s Fareed Zacharia declared that in firing off his missiles, “Trump became President of the United States,” while MSNBC’s Brian Williams waxed orgasmic. “I am tempted to quote the great Leonard Cohen: ‘I am guided by the beauty of our weapons.’”
Then, just two days later, we dropped a really really cool bomb called the MOAB in Afghanistan that made the awesomest explosion. PGRRRRRPHGGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!! Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. BOOOM! Then this really neat cloud rose up.
What’s the perfect complement to a delicious slice of chocolate cake? A Tomahawk missile.
Know what’s even cooler? The president ordered the attack while having dessert with President Xi of China! Let’s let the Donald himself tell it, from his interview with Fox News’s Maria Bartiromo:
“We had a great chemistry…I think he liked me…We had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake you’ve ever seen and President Xi was enjoying it…and we made a determination to do it, and the missiles were on the way…This was during dessert… We’ve just fired 59 missiles, all of which hit, by the way, unbelievable, from, you know, hundreds of miles away, all of which hit, amazing…So what happens is I said we’ve just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq [sic] and I wanted you to know this. And he was eating his cake. And he was silent.”
Wow! Just…wow! How cool is that? Next time you should offer to let President Xi play with your missiles. It’s even more fun when you share. Plus he’ll really like you even more!
Since we’ve been busy flexing our military might a lot this week, let’s take a look at how its been going:
- First, on January 29, there was the botched Yemen raid, killing 23 civilians.
- Then we celebrated the two month anniversary of the botched Yemen raid on March 28th, by botching a bombing in Mosul, killing 112 civilians.
- And this week, on April 13, we mistakenly killed 18 Syrian allies. Uhhh..sorry for the interruption. Please carry on with what you were doing.
Happily, the victims were all Middle Easterners, not people, so no biggie. But still. (Tragically, an American hero was felled in the raid in Yemen).
When Donald Trump said he knew more than the generals, who exactly was he referring to?
- General Mills
- General Tso
- General Hospital
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