BREAKING NEWS: NATO is No Longer Obsolete!

BREAKING NEWS:   NATO Is No Longer Obsolete!

Wow.   We sure didn’t see that one coming. This is truly one of the great revelations of the entire Trump presidency, right up there with newly declassified information that shows that healthcare is complicated.

Plus we also learned this week from Captain Obvious that Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad is a bad guy.  Who knew that?  Did you?  I seriously thought he was the love-child of Gandhi and Mother Theresa.  Not that they would have a love-child.  Unless there’s stuff about Mother Theresa we don’t know.

Anyhow, it’s great to have a leader who keeps us up to the minute with the latest developments.  Hopefully, he will inform all of us when he hears of Frederick Douglass’s passing.

Professor Spicer Teaches Us About The Holocaust

It was another bad week for Sean Spicer, who’s been in a slump since three minutes after the inauguration.

Of course, Spicey will always be beloved by his target audience late-night comedians for claiming that, “Even Hitler didn’t stoop to using chemical weapons,” and then explaining that, umm…what he meant was, even Hitler did not use chemical weapons on his own people.  Hitler only used them on the Jews.  Which isn’t as bad.  He used them, “in the Holocaust Center”.   That’s not so terrible, right?  I mean, isn’t that just a museum or something?

Just how horrible a Press Secretary is Sean Spicer?  Even Hitler didn’t stoop to making ridiculous Hitler comparisons!

Trump Shows Off His “Hard Power”  (Yes, that’s actually what it’s called when you fire missiles and stuff)

Fortunately for the civilized world, Trump found some really cool toys in his presidential playchest.  In retaliation for Assad’s use of the very evil poison gas, Sarin, we fired 59 morally upstanding missiles at an airfield in Syria.

Since sorting out Evil weapons from Noble Weapons can get pretty confusing, we’ve created this helpful table:

weapons chart

Understandably, the press got really excited by the president’s really cool toys.  CNN’s Fareed Zacharia declared that in firing off his missiles,  “Trump became President of the United States,”  while MSNBC’s Brian Williams waxed orgasmic. “I am tempted to quote the great Leonard Cohen: ‘I am guided by the beauty of our weapons.’”

Then, just two days later, we dropped a really really cool bomb called the MOAB in Afghanistan that made the awesomest explosion.  PGRRRRRPHGGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!  Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….  BOOOM!  Then this really neat cloud rose up.

moab

What’s the perfect complement to a delicious slice of chocolate cake?  A Tomahawk missile.

Know what’s even cooler?   The president ordered the attack while having dessert with President Xi of China!  Let’s let the Donald himself tell it, from his interview with Fox News’s Maria Bartiromo:

“We had a great chemistry…I think he liked me…We had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake you’ve ever seen and President Xi was enjoying it…and we made a determination to do it, and the missiles were on the way…This was during dessert… We’ve just fired 59 missiles, all of which hit, by the way, unbelievable, from, you know, hundreds of miles away, all of which hit, amazing…So what happens is I said we’ve just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq [sic] and I wanted you to know this. And he was eating his cake. And he was silent.”

Wow!  Just…wow!   How cool is that?  Next time you should offer to let President Xi play with your missiles.  It’s even more fun when you share.   Plus he’ll really like you even more!

Since we’ve been busy flexing our military might a lot this week, let’s take a look at how its been going:

  • Then we celebrated the two month anniversary of the botched Yemen raid on March 28th, by botching a bombing in Mosul, killing 112 civilians.
  • And this week, on April 13, we mistakenly killed 18 Syrian allies.   Uhhh..sorry for the interruption.  Please carry on with what you were doing.

Happily, the victims were all Middle Easterners, not people, so no biggie.  But still.  (Tragically, an American hero was felled in the raid in Yemen).

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Study Question:

When Donald Trump said he knew more than the generals, who exactly was he referring to?

  1. General Mills
  2. General Tso
  3. General Hospital

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25 COMMENTS

  1. Thank you so much for your very useful ratings chart. You have broken new ground, untrodden by Consumer Guide. Brilliant!

  2. Excited to hear about NATO but sad to learn that Frederick Douglass is not expected to live long. I guess I should have seen this coming, given that the Mt. Hope Cemetery here in Rochester, NY, has a headstone already engraved with his name…Still. One is never really ready for these sad events.

    • haha. thanks much. on a serious note, i hope douglass is properly honored in rochester. i feel like we do not make enough of the abolitionist movement in our history.

    • one challenge with humor, for me, is there is little room for subtlety. i worried a bit with this piece that people would think i’m wholly equating the u.s. with assad. and of course i am not. but if we are going to merely pretend to be the moral compass of the world in our words, rather than actually being a moral leader by our actions, we need a little bit of introspection. and yeah, very scary. thanks for the comment.

        • true, but i honestly don’t think that is the issue – because the response is no different than when it was more independently owned. i think that war and weaponry bring out a very distrubing, jingoistic initial reaction, even among people who are otherwise capable of being thoughtful.

      • The media is totally in the Hands of this Monarchist Network. Also the more left media. In Switzerland there is tagesanzeiger. Ist more left. They totally bashed him exactly until the Point of this fake gas attack. Then suddenly they wrote how good it is that Trump reacts against this evil massacre carried out by Assad. It was for sure a false flag, they already tried the same tactic with Obama but didnt work, done it with Trump and immediately USA attacking Syria even talking about ground troops. Also the media was making public things from his Sex life, in Russia he was having piss Party with prostitutes in Hotel, they were pressuring him. Look they have all of them on their necktie, the necktie is the necklace like Dogs. when they dont do what the Monotheist Monarchist Network is saying they release some compromitising Information and either they do what they want or they are away from the window.

    • thanks. i was personally quite happy with this post, because it blended the humor with a pretty serious message that, at least from my perspective, needed to be said.

    • You know, i grew up with “General Gau’s Chicken”, but googling, it seems General Tso is a lot more widely served these days. i’m going to change it now. Thanks much.

  7. One of your best Trumplandia posts yet. Very hard to read about the ongoing insanity coming out of Washington, and seeing the journalistic responses from reporters that are supposedly neutral. Brian Williams was really quite nauseating. I kept expecting him to start using the word “bigly.” Anyway, another excellent post, blending as you always do the humor with the painful. Shalom.

    • thanksssss! glad you enjoyed. i do feel this post was a personal favorite for me, because it’s message – or intended message – is something i care a lot about. i’m not sure i’ve ever again do a humor piece before that covers the holocaust, nuclear war, chemical weapons and cluster bombs!

      • It’s obvious that these topics are very close to your heart. I’m glad you wrote this. And the timing, just at the end of Passover, was particularly touching and appropriate.

  10. This was very sobering. I’m thrilled to see you are keeping a tally in your head. I fear that Americans ,like showbiz kids ,tend to move on to the next show in the next town. I have that problem , because I played national tours as a union pianist.I understand that I forget to mourn the people I do not know, and that is shameful. I only hope we can stop the killing. Sean Spicer is a liar who works for a liar. That is no excuse. It’s a statement of how unimportant he is. He should be gone. But, that will require a politically correct White House, and we are dealing with Republicans. So, maybe something else will stop him.He may miss his rabbit outfit.I doubt any sane person will tolerate the moments they waste having to listen to his stupidity.

  11. i do think we’ll start to see some resignations from the white house. not sure if spicer will be first. as to the running tally – i am definitely not keeping it in my head. but i was amazing at how little news there has been of it!

  12. I posted those links you gave with your recent piece. One friend said they hadn’t realised. When you see 4 posts and add the deaths ,then it seems real. It becomes war. Even a Republican can see it.I think.

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