Trump Tower Wiretap Reveals President is Gassy

Like all truly great leaders, our own President Trump gathers his information from many sources, synthesizes them carefully, and ponders thoughtfully before drawing conclusions.

For example, he turns on the TV, sees co-President Sean Hannity call for the firing of all 46 U.S. Attorneys, and within less than 24 hours, they’re gone!

Bill O’Reilly complains about Lotto winners getting healthcare benefits, and 10% of the new healthcare bill is devoted to the pressing issue of denying healthcare benefits for winners of state lotteries.

And our president information does not even come just from Hannity and O’Reilly!  Impressively,  he gathers his information from all branches of the Fox News Network.  He hears something about Sweden on Fox and Friends, a completely different TV show, and the next morning he movingly shares word of Sweden’s non-existent terror attack with the nation.

And for all you Negative Nellies out there, let’s just be thankful he isn’t watching Nickelodeon:

Or the Sci-fi Network:

Needless to say, the greatnesses did not end with denying health benefits to lottery winners.   For who among us was not moved by our president’s stirring tweet that revealed that bad (or sick) President Obama was bugging Trump’s tower.   I for one will always cherish the image of Dear Leader on the crapper at 6:30 AM, sharing his revelation with the world.  How beautiful, that we all got to experience it with him.

Ah, Trumplandia!  Where our great Generalissimo Evel Von Ferret toots out something from the can, and the entire nation gets indigestion.

Amid the uproar, many citizens did not even notice this presidential tweet-bomb:

Okay, so it’s not ‘hear by’ it’s ‘hereby’.  Do you want a grammar Nazi for president?  Or a real Nazi?

Of course, the other big story of the week was the Great and Glorious Tax Cut For the Uber-Rich – also known as Repeal and Replace Obamacare. This bill will give the good and deserving citizens of the top 0.1 percent an average of $200,000 in greatness-creating tax breaks.   Of course, that money has to come from somewhere, and fifteen million people  will lose their health insurance.  But I think we can all agree that’s a small price to pay for ending the tragic suffering of our elites, who daily have to choose between a larger yacht or that fourth house in Davos.

In fact, Press Secretary Spicer proved the superiority of the Republican bill by bring out two stacks of paper – the Affordable Care Act and the new legislation.  And the new legislation was in a smaller stack, which means it’s better.  See?

It is interesting to note that the Affordable Care Act seems to have shrunk considerably since it was shown off at CPAC back in 2013.   To help our readers appreciate this, we’ve lined them up side by side.

Okay, we admit it.  This is a bad (or sick) joke.  We in the extremely dishonest media are extremely sorry.   No more childishness about President Trump’s tiny stack (good thing he added those pages about the lottery, or it would be even tinier).  No more calling him President Trump nano.   We’re done!   So he’s obsessed with his crowd-size compared to Obama’s?  What does that prove?  Some black men have really big crowd-sizes.  It’s just a fact.   We’re moving on.

So where were we?  Ah, yes.  We were talking about healthcare.  The two stacks of paper.    Of the ACA stack, Spicer proclaimed, “This is government!”  Then, dramatically, pointing to the Republican stack he declared, “This is not.”

And that, after all, is what really matters.  The Republican bill is not government.  Because if there’s one thing we absolutely don’t want our government involved in, it’s government!