One of our lead reporters recently asked, “Isn’t it a little soon for a retrospective?”
“But everyone’s doing it,” we replied. “It’s the first 100 days!”
“But aren’t we supposed to be different?” this one annoying reporter, who is also married to us, asked.
“But we’ve got nothing else.”
“But it’s so arbitrary,” this one hectoring reporter persisted.
“That’s a really great point!” we told her. “Thank you for sharing that.”
“Fine, write what you want,” this horrible wife/reporter person replied. “But can you clean up the bathroom? It’s soaking wet. You do know how to use a shower curtain, right?”
This confirmed it. It was urgent that we write our 100 Day Retrospective immediately.
100 Days of Trump
(Just think: When de Sade wrote his, “120 Days of Sodom,” he had not even met Donald Trump! And he thought he understood depravity!)
January 21 – Trump begins his presidency by misspelling ‘honored’ in his first presidential tweet: “I am honered [sic] to serve you…” thus foretelling all of the ineptitude, disaster and mayhem to follow.
January 22-23 – The new president shares weird inauguration delusions about Crowd Sizes, God opening the heavens, and Seas of Love. Is he the real president, or a mental patient who just imagines he’s president?
January 27 – Bungled Muslim Travel Ban causes major airport delays, quickly blocked by several so-called judges.
January 29 – Botched Yemen raid, 23 civilians and a Navy Seal killed.
February 1 – In honor of Black History Month, Trump reveals that he has no idea who Frederick Douglass is.
February 3 – America learns for the first time of the tragic Bowling Green Massacre. In this horrific non-event, innocent Americans would have been slaughtered by Muslim extremists in Bowling Green, Kentucky on August 9, 2013. Never again shall we allow imaginary terrorists to commit such a horrible make-believe atrocity.
February 4 – And on the Fifteenth Day, the Lord Donald, King of Kings, looked at what he had created, saw that it was absolutely unbelievable, and played golf.
February 5 – Well, it turns out this deity needs some extra down-time, so he played another round of golf.
February 6 – Cruella “DeVos’ DeVille promises that she will defend America’s elementary schools from grizzly bear attacks.
February 7 – Ivanka is treated badly by Nordstrom’s.
February 11 – Golf
February 12 – More golf.
February 13 – NSA chief Michael Flynn fired. Things are getting hot and heavy between the Russian Bear and the American Ferret.
February 15 – Captain Obvious shares these powerful words: “I have been briefed, and I can tell you nuclear holocaust would be like no other.” No way! And here we thought it would be just a run-of-the-mill sort of holocaust!
February 16 – News media branded “enemies of the people.” The New York Times receives the honorary title, ‘The Failing Enemy of the People.”
February 18 – Time to whip out that tiny little presidential putter and fill some more golf holes.
February 19 – More golf.
February 19 – America wakes to the tragic news of another non-existent terror attack – this time in Sweden. We, who remember Bowling Green so vividly, are with you Sweden in your time of need!
February 20 – Kellyanne Conway locked in dungeon beneath White House, awaiting execution.
February 27 – Weird coincidence: Trump Advisor Carl Icahn accidentally deregulates his own company. Coincidentally makes $128 million on jump in stock price!
February 28 – In a stunning development, Trump reads from teleprompter to joint session of congress. Trump officially declared “Presidential”. Hallelujah! OUR PRESIDENT CAN READ!
March 1 – Declared a national holiday in honor of our President Trump’s reading skills.
March 4 – Trump accuses bad (or sick) Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower. Loses “presidential” status. (It would later be determined that “tap” was misspelled).
March 4 – Time to wrap those hands around the presidential putter again.
March 5 – More golf.
March 7 – “Nobody knew healthcare could be so complicated.” Trump regains “Unbelievable Jackass” status.
March 10 – Co-president Sean Hannity calls for the firing of all 46 U.S. Attorneys.
March 11 – Trump fires all 46 U.S. Attorneys.
March 12 – Trump rolls out new healthcare plan known as the Crap Sandwich Healthcare Act (CSHA) that would cause fifteen million Americans to lose their health insurance. On the positive side, it’s only 60 pages.
March 18 – Trying to throw people off their healthcare proves exhausting. Time for some golf!
March 19 – More golf.
March 20 – FBI Director Comey testifies that Trump campaign is under investigation for collusion with Russia to steal the election. Outrageously, the lying media report on this.
March 21 – The Defense Department rolls a 7, lands on Trump Tower, and has to pay Trump rent.
March 22 — Melania lands on Community Chest, wins Second Prize in a Beauty Contest and collects ten dollars.
March 23 – House Investigative Committee head Devin Nunes holds bizarro press conference to declare that he has received “information” from “sources” about “leaks” that “look bad” and are about “something” other than “Russia”. (We later learn this “information” came from the “White House” forcing Nunes, who looked like a complete “imbecile” to “resign”).
March 25 – Golf
March 28 – Botched Mosul bombing, 112 civilians killed
April 2 – Golf
April 7 – Trump fires missiles at Syria! Hooray! Immediately regains “presidential” status! Advances directly to GO and collects $200.
April 8 – Golf
April 9 – Golf
April 11 – Press Secretary Spicer declares that even Hitler didn’t use chemical weapons, except on the Jews, which isn’t that bad.
April 12 – After learning about what NATO actually does, Generalissimo Evel Von Ferret declares that it is “no longer obsolete.”
April 13 – Botched Syria bombing, 18 allies killed. Oopsy. Looks like that drive sliced a little bit left. Fore!!!
April 16 – Golf
April 20 – Canada added to Axis of Evil, along with Iran, Iraq and North Korea, for subsidizing its dairy industry. Becomes the Quadrilateral of Evil.
April 27 – Trump declares, of his first 100 days, “I thought it would be easier.”
Final Status: OhMyGodWhatAFlamingJackassICannotBelieveThisImbecileIsOurPresident
So there you have it. We are completely screwed. Although I do have a great secret plan to deal with the mess in the bathroom: Evaporation!
(Note: This is by far the most amazing literary interview in history. So much more interesting than #loser Norman Mailer and #lightweight Ernest Hemingway and #boring William Faulkner. So overrated. Sad.)