As a matter of principle, The Rotting Post does not endorse commercial products. Our endorsement could cause a run on a product, disrupt the free market, send the global economy into a tailspin, and lead to widespread anarchy. But when it comes to Hot Pockets, we must make an exception.
FELLOW AMERICANS: GO FORTH AND BUY HOT POCKETS!
Why? To begin with, just look at this packaging:
That’s right. It actually cites a made-up taste test and then says, “Not based on a fact.”
This is packaging for our new, post-factual world! For the future! Thank you, Hot Pockets. And to show our gratitude, we would like to offer you, for free, the use of this this catchy new advertising slogan:
People Just Love the Delicious Taste of Hot Pockets*
*not based on a fact.
But our admiration of Hot Pockets does not end there. In the upper right of the package it says you can, “Submit your own breakfast wisdom,” at breakfastpockets.com. Well, we went to breakfastpockets.com, full of breakfast wisdom we wanted to submit. And guess what? There’s no place to submit your wisdom! It’s all a brilliant façade! Our breakfast wisdom is still pent-up inside of us, because there’s nowhere to submit it! In fact, breakfastpockets.com redirects you to hotpockets.com which is owned by Nestle corporation which is not even an American company!
Oh what a tangled, cheesy web!
This is what we did find at hotpockets.com:
What the hell is a Food Truck Bite?
“Hey, how’d you get that cut?”
“Got bitten by a food truck.”
“No way! What kind of food truck?”
Also…how crappy does your product have to be that you’re actually trying get people to think it tastes like it was served out of the side of a van?
Clearly, we needed to dig deeper. We sent a team of investigators to the Hot Pockets manufacturing facility to find out more.*
*not based on a fact.
There we discovered the special, “Limited Edition!” chicken pot pie Hot Pocket!
Wow. A limited edition! That’s gonna be valuable someday! We don’t know about you, but we’re buying up a dozen and storing them away in our safe-deposit box.
But here’s where it started to get interesting. Because next, we visited Hot Pockets on Twitter.
Hot Pockets has 21,100 twitter followers. Only pretty much all Hot Pockets tweets about is how great Hot Pockets is.
There’s no denying it: Twitter Hot Pockets is a bragging, narcissistic jackass. A post-factual narcissist! What more could you ask for? That’s why we’re writing in Hot Pockets for President in the next election.
But is there another side of Hot Pockets? To find out, we visited them on Facebook.
Incredibly, the Hot Pockets Facebook page has over a million likes! Which can only mean one thing: some poor guy in the Philippines is being paid to spend 10 hours a day, 6 days a week, liking the Hot Pockets Facebook page. That guy must really really really hate Hot Pockets.
Unlike Twitter Hot Pockets, Facebook Hot Pockets features many illuminating discussions, such as this one:
Or this one:
Hot Pockets took the matter very seriously:
Hot Pockets spends a lot of time trying to get people to PM them. Only what really goes on in those PMs? You have to wonder.
So, there you have it:
Facebook Hot Pockets is a creepy perv. Twitter Hot Pockets is an egotistical jerk. And Packaging Hot Pockets cites up stuff that never happened. Do you not see what this means? Hot Pockets is the Frozen Food Manifestation of Donald Trump!
Buy Hot Pockets! Eat Hot Pockets! Hot Pockets For President!
We’re sorry if you feel this piece is below standard. PM us so we can make this right. We know a good sheep joke we can tell you.*
*Not based on a fact. Actually, it’s a bad joke. And it’s about a goat.
And now for our own product placement:
My new novel, “The Feet Say Run,” is now live! Here is the Amazon link.
You don’t need to vote for, “The Feet Say Run,” for president. But do please consider giving it a read. If you do, feel free to drop me a note after with any comments / critiques. I have an accompanying article coming out in Publisher’s Weekly next week.