Our Official Presidential Candidate Endorsement: Hot Pockets!

As a matter of principle, The Rotting Post does not endorse presidential candidates.  Our endorsement could jeopardize our critical journalistic neutrality, create chaos in the electoral process, and threaten our democracy.   But when it comes to Hot Pockets, we must make an exception.

FELLOW AMERICANS:  VOTE FOR HOT POCKETS!

Why?  To begin with, just look at this packaging:

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That’s right.   It actually cites a made-up taste test and then says, “Not based on a fact.”

This is packaging for our new, post-factual world!  For the future!  Thank you, Hot Pockets.   And to show our gratitude, we would like to offer you, for free, the use of this this catchy new advertising slogan:

People Just Love the Delicious Taste of Hot Pockets*

*not based on a fact.

But our admiration of Hot Pockets does not end there.   In the upper right of the package it says you can, “Submit your own breakfast wisdom,” at breakfastpockets.com.    Well, we went to breakfastpockets.com, full of breakfast wisdom we wanted to submit.   And guess what?  There’s no place to submit your wisdom!  It’s all a  brilliant façade! Our breakfast wisdom is still pent-up inside of us, because there’s nowhere to submit it! In fact, breakfastpockets.com redirects you to hotpockets.com which is owned by Nestle corporation which is not even an American company!

Clearly, we needed to dig deeper.   We sent a team of investigators to the Hot Pockets manufacturing facility to find out more.*

*not based on a fact.

There we discovered the special, “Limited Edition!” chicken pot pie Hot Pocket!

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Wow.  A limited edition!  That’s gonna be valuable someday!  We don’t know about you, but we’re buying up a dozen and storing them away in our safe-deposit box.

But here’s where it started to get interesting.  Because next, we visited Hot Pockets on Twitter.

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Hot Pockets has 21,100 twitter followers.  Only pretty much all Hot Pockets tweets about is how great Hot Pockets is.

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There’s no denying it:  Twitter Hot Pockets is a bragging, narcissistic jackass.   A post-factual narcissist!  What more could you ask for?   That’s why we’re writing in Hot Pockets for President in the next election.

Yet, is there another side of Hot Pockets?  To find out, we visited them on Facebook.

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Incredibly, the Hot Pockets Facebook page has over a million likes!  Which can only mean one thing:   some poor guy in the Philippines is being paid to spend 10 hours a day, 6 days a week, liking the Hot Pockets Facebook page.  That guy must really really really hate Hot Pockets.

Unlike Twitter Hot Pockets, Facebook Hot Pockets features many illuminating discussions, such as this one:

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Or this one:

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Hot Pockets took the matter very seriously:

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Hot Pockets spends a lot of time trying to get people to PM them.  Only what really goes on in those PMs?   You have to wonder.

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So, there you have it:

Facebook Hot Pockets is a creepy perv.  Twitter Hot Pockets is an egotistical jerk.  And Packaging Hot Pockets cites up stuff that never happened.  It’s foreign-owned.  Do you not see what this means?  Hot Pockets is the Frozen Food Manifestation of Donald Trump!

Buy Hot Pockets!  Eat Hot Pockets!   Hot Pockets For President!

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Note:

We’re sorry if you feel this piece is below standard.  PM us so we can make this right.  We know a good sheep joke we can tell you.*

*Not based on a fact.   Actually, it’s a bad joke.  And it’s about a goat.

______________________________________________________________

And now for our own product placement:

My new novel, “The Feet Say Run,” is now live!    Here is the Amazon link.

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You don’t need to vote for, “The Feet Say Run,” for president.   But do please consider giving it a read.  If you do, feel free to drop me a note after with any comments / critiques.  I have an accompanying article coming out in Publisher’s Weekly next week. 

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27 COMMENTS

  1. Reblogged this on Random Musings and Observations and commented:
    This has to be your best posting ever*

    I’ve actually replying to Trump’s tweets, Recently he criticized another company going to Mexico and I gave him the advice to bribe them and they might stay. I’m trying to be helpful.

    *not based on fact

    But is based on fact that I am now replying to Trump’s tweets and I strongly suggest that EVERBODY respond. Yeh, Donald Baldwin did a lousy impression of you, right on dude.

  2. Thank you for telling us about the Hot Pocktets Facebook page which is awesome. I learned that snack bites have all the flavor and awesomeness of normal Hot Pockets but with 100% more triangle*.

    Since I make a point of reading Trumo’s tweets and replying with useful information such as suggesting companies that might be amenable to bribes to stay in the US. I am going to suggest Hot Pockets since I heard they are moving jobs to Mexico**.

    * not based on fact but it was on the internet
    ** I made this up and since someone might believe it, it must be true.

    • yay! i made a sale. can you believe this blog was originally going to be your basic author’s blog, with pithy observations about the writing process, etc.? Only that felt so contrived and self-serving, i just started doing humor pieces.

  3. I’m PMing you IMMEDIATELY!* How dare you malign the post-factual tweets and Facebook of Hot Pockets, sir?! Next you’ll be saying that the election was rigged. And are you trying to tell me that people buy Facebook likes and Twitter followers?! Did you read this on the internet? Well then if so, it must be true.

  4. I just won a million dollars in the lottery and am looking for an investment. Please, please tell me where I can purchase a crap-load of Limited Edition Chicken Pot Pie Hot Pockets. Once I have my gold — er pies — hidden in a vault I can then retire knowing I am a rich, rich woman. To encourage you to help me, I will give you 2% of my hot pocket wealth. Promise.

  5. I can’t help wondering if these Hot Pockets are in any way related to the Hot Pocket I get when my cell phone battery is working overtime? It seems that both are likely to burst into flame at any moment . . . it can’t be coincidence.

  6. Did you fail to consult with your international food brand head of state association security advisor? This is a major breach of established diplomatic protocol. For the past 50 years Hot Plopmarks has been the exclusive branded fast delicious nutrient rich food source of Kim Jong-un and the entire North Korean continent. I expect that relationship is now seriously destabilized. Nuke it, indeed.

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