In This Issue: House Fire In The Bronx. Also, President Subverts Democracy!
We at The Review were kind of busy this week. Anything happen? Was there any news? We did hear a teen snuck into a movie in Ohio somewhere. That’s pretty much it, apparently.
Actually, there was this one very small thing: Obamacare Lives!
Yes, after voting sixty-seven times to repeal it while Obama was still president, the Republicans finally had their Big Chance to vote against it for real, and decided actually, umm……hmmm…just not feeling it.
What the hell?! Republicans spent seven long years boasting to America about how great beautiful their plan was, seven years of meaningless, masturbatory repeal votes, and then they finally got America the Beautiful alone, finally had their chance to perform that magical act they had so long promised…and…poof. Nada.
Of course as always the president did the honorable thing and blamed the Democrats. “Why didn’t those Democrats warn us health care was complicated? It’s their fault! Can you believe they didn’t even help us repeal the law they all support? Disgraceful.”
Sadly, there is a real cost to the Republican failure: the tragedy of thirty million unworthy losers receiving healthcare will continue.
Trump Lies Exclusively To Time Magazine:
Meanwhile, as The Art of the Repeal went going up in flames, our Slam Poet President sat down with Time Magazine for an exclusive blither. We offer these actual excerpts that we swear are not parodies:
“I predicted a lot of things, Michael. Sweden. I make the statement, everyone goes crazy. The next day they have a massive riot, and death, and problems. Huma and Anthony, you know, what I tweeted about that whole deal, and then it turned out he had it, all of Hillary’s email on his thing. NATO, obsolete, because it doesn’t cover terrorism… Brussels, I said, Brussels is not Brussels. I mean many other things, the election’s rigged against Bernie Sanders. We have a lot of things.
“Now remember this. When I said wiretapping, it was in quotes. Because a wiretapping is, you know today it is different than wiretapping. It is just a good description. But wiretapping was in quotes.”
Ah, Trumplandia. Where Brussels is not Brussels and wiretapping is not wire tapping. Where President Nostradamus, in a miraculous rapture, predicted Sweden. And where Hillary’s thirty-thousand missing emails were there on Anthony Weiner’s “thing”. (How come nobody else even thought to look there? I knew those pics of his bulging boxers looked suspicious. Now, at last, we know what he was stuffing them with.)
Of course, even in this dead news week, there were a couple of other very tiny items such as:
FBI Director Comey confirmed that the U.S. President’s team is under criminal investigation for colluding with Russia to subvert American Democracy.
Close Trump ally and fellow douchebag (which is different from “douche bag”) Roger Stone, who also had close ties to Russia (which is not Russia), apparently knew ahead of time what would be in each set of DNC emails hacked by Russian Intelligence.
House Intelligence Committee Chairmen Devin Nunes – who, funny coincidence, happened to have been a member of Trump’s transition team – held a press conference and declared that he had received information – well, he didn’t receive it exactly, he saw it – that showed that Trump had indeed been wiretapped, well, not wiretapped, but monitored, no, not monitored, his name had incidentally been mentioned during a legal surveillance, and he, Nunes, rushed to share this important information with the target of his investigation.
Adam Schiff, ranking Democrat on the Intelligence Committee, said evidence of collusion was now, “more than circumstantial”.
Someone’s being considered for the Supreme Court or something
Just for the record, we at the Trumplandia Review predicted Donald Trump would be a douchebag of historic proportions. People said we were crazy. They said look at Anthony Weiner’s thing. But thing was italicized. Look at the italics! They ignore the italics. We got it right.