BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump Named, “Ferret Of the Year” by Animal Planet
Washington, D.C., May 13, 2017
Trump is first ever named Being of the Year in two separate categories
Note: Donald Trump was not actually named Ferret of the Year. That’s fake news from us lying media people. What’s more it is childish and not funny at all. He was actually Weasel of the Month.
Star of “The Apprentice” Tells Real-Life FBI Director, “You’re Fired.”
What a week! It all began with Dear Leader’s infamous letter to FBI director James Comey that read, in part, “While I greatly appreciate you informing me, on three separate occasions, that I am not under investigation, I nevertheless…”
It was with these memorable words that President Trump gave Director Comey his official, Presidential Wedgie.
Of course, the usual doubting Schumers and doubting Pelosis claimed the firing was an attempt to quash the Russia Investigation. But, as Spicey Spicer explained when he emerged after hiding in the White House bushes, “that’s absurd!” (To be fair, The Washington Post later corrected its account of Spicer hiding in the bushes, clarifying that Spicer was actually hiding “among the bushes”. Thanks for that important correction, Washington Post. That changes everything.)
Trump’s Lawyers Clear Him In Russia Investigation
Great news! The entire Russia Investigation is totally unnecessary now. Generalissimo Trump’s personal lawyers released a letter saying so! Specifically, the letter states that Trump has not received, and we quote, “any income of any type from Russian sources, with a few exceptions.”” That’s pretty persuasive stuff, I’m sure you agree. In fact, Charles Manson never actually never murdered anyone. With a few exceptions.
What’s more, as Trump explained,“It’s a certified letter!” Aha! Certified! So that makes it true! You see? The whole Russia investigation can stop now. The president has looked into it thoroughly, and has cleared himself of wrongdoing.
Will TASS Be Named Official White House News Service?
On the day after the Comey firing, President I-Have-No-Ties-To-Russia celebrated with his old pals from – you guessed it – Russia, hosting Russian Ambassador Kislyak and Foreign Minister Lavrov in the Oval Office. This event was shielded from the American press. Fortunately, a photographer from Kremlin news service TASS was on hand to turn these happy times into memories that will last a lifetime.
The Heartbreak of Narcissism
Next it was off to Time Magazine, where the president showed an impressive command of alternative facts. We bring you a few highlights:
Actual Quote I: “In a short period of time I understood everything there was to know about health care.” I’m sure his lawyers would have added, “with a few exceptions.” Such as how the healthcare system works. But other than that, he gets it.
Actual Quote II: “You know we’ve gotten billions of dollars more in NATO than what we’re getting. All because of me! I mean it’s not like a bragging thing. I’m just saying.” Note to the Leader of the Free World: When you say, “All because of me!”, generally speaking, it’s like a bragging thing. Also, it makes you sound like a Batman villain. I’m just saying. I’m not calling you a douchebag. I’m just saying. You’re a douchebag.
Actual Quote III: “I’m getting very good marks in foreign policy…I’m getting As and A+s on foreign policy.” Of course, he did tell his teacher that he shouldn’t be penalized for bad spelling, bad grammar, botching the Yemen raid, picking fights with Canada, claiming Korea was once part of China, and knowing nothing about what NATO does, because he comes from an overprivileged background, and he’s an imbecile, and his narcissism is a disability, it’s a pre-existing condition, he really deserves an A+, with a few exceptions.
What a fun-filled week it’s been, here in Trumplandia! Please put your hands together – and keep your knees closed – for our hero president!
TEST YOUR UNDERSTANDING:
(1) Was Comey fired for being too mean to Hillary, as the Trump Administration claims, or to quash the Russia investigation?
(b) You’re fucking kidding me.
(c) Gee, I’m stumped.
(d) Wow, this is really hard. Can I skip to the next question?
(2) What was Press Secretary Sean Spicer doing outside the White House as news of the Comey firing broke?
(a) Hiding in the bushes
(b) Hiding among the bushes, but not in them
(c) Peeing among the bushes, but not hiding.
(d) Peeing and hiding in and among the bushes.