Donald Trump’s Best Budget Ever

Friends, Fellow Trumplandians, Former Americans: Our president has finally explained how he knew that bad (or sick) President Obama had tapped his phones. Let’s take a look:

trump explanations fb

It turns out that our hero president has incredible superpowers – much like little Jeff in the old TV show, “Lassie”. Remember how Lassie would go, “Ruff! Ruff!” and Timmy would say, “Oh my Gosh, Uncle Buck slid down the canyon!” And Lassie would go, “Arf!” and Timmy would go, “And he’s twisted his ankle! Hurry, Lassie.”

Well, it’s the same exact way with Donald Trump and The New York Times. The New York Times uses the word, “Wiretap” and Trump exclaims, “Oh no! Trump Tower’s been wiretapped!” and the New York Times barks, “Wiretap” again, and Trump declares, “Oh my God!  Obama did it! Hurry, Kellyanne! Get my laptop!”

Of course, as Press Secretary Spicer repeatedly explained to all you lamestream media types, the president put the word, “wiretap” in quotes.  And in the Magical Kingdom of Trumplandia, when you put a fact in quotes, it makes it an alternative fact. (Consider this example: The president has tiny “hands”.  See?). And we can verify that what Sean Spicer said is one hundred percent “true”.  Meaning not true. Because in two of the four tweets, there were no quotes.  Which proves the British did it. Or the microwave.  (Fun alternative fact: your blender can not only puree and liquefy, it can also see you perfectly through your clothes).

The other bigly news story was Donald J Tump’s Best Federal Budget Ever. It’s about time someone had the courage to just come out and say it: Healthcare for the elderly DOESN’T WORK! They still all die. Am I right? So where’s the return?

Of course, there’s a lot more in the budget than just letting old people go hungry. We have created this patronizingly simplistic graphic to highlight what it means:

trump budget 2.PNG

This is just so alternative great. Let’s just divert all funding to build more missiles.

trump missile.PNG

Remember how President Tiny used to say the world was laughing at us? Thank goodness they have nothing to laugh at us about anymore. 

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14 COMMENTS

  1. One little problem – the president (I hesitate today “our”) does not learn. He already knows it all and any questionable factoid is alternative truth.

  2. I think you just insulted Lassie with the comparison to Cheeto Satan. Or didn’t your microwave tell you this? 😉 As always, well written and razor sharp. Keep them coming.

  3. i’ve been infomed by astute reader ‘yental’ that timmy was the main boy character in “lassie”. I correct this grudging, as i’m sure ‘jeff’ qualirifes as an alternative fact.

  4. Had to scroll down to find the comments. Anyway very nicely done. Hopefully the budget will not get passed on this form. But it’s still too crazy. I know people who depend on NIH grants who are worried.

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